Everlasting trauma

I feel lost empty abandoned numb depressed unclaimed unloved uncared for, not needed a burden. Even though my biological parents were terrible, neglectful, stuck non thriving people...They were mine. I belonged to them even if they didn't want me.

My biological mother passed away when I was 13..my bio mom use to apologize to us because she didn't terminate and how basically we weren't what she wanted now my alleged biological father in March .. he never was in my life, just would rarely come and go to just see my mom never interacting with us...

he also told us that he never wanted us, that he told our mom to terminate but she didn't listen, how our existence basically ruined everything...i was around two when he said it right to our faces...now they're both gone.

Their lives are completed. it just leaves me with an unsettling empty feeling. Complex grief. I feel hurt, I feel angry, I feel relieved, I feel depressed..i feel...until I don't anymore..which is never..

They don't exist anymore. There are no answers, no closure, nothing they can provide me with ..the things that only they can give me or should..parts of me are permanently gone..

.then my foster mom and her family are still terrible towards me and with the health problems and everything im going through it's too much