Failed in life

I am a 24-year-old male, currently living a life I never wanted.

I was born into a household where my parents were always fighting. I was too young to understand why they fought. During my childhood, they separated two or three times, and I was always the one who tried to bring them back together. Life moved on, but when I entered higher secondary school, my parents completely separated. There were many reasons, mainly because their business failed and they started blaming each other for debts.

At that time, I went to live with my grandparents and somehow completed higher secondary. I never made any close friends because I was always afraid that if people looked into my family situation, they would judge me. So I stayed distant and never formed real friendships. I carried constant anger inside me, wondering why I had to live like this while others had good lives, good environments, and good parents. In the end, I always blamed myself, thinking that if I had never been born, everything would have gone well for my parents.

Later, I moved into senior secondary. That’s when life hit me hard. It was time for my computer science exam, but because of our financial situation, fees were always paid late. One day, the teacher told me that if I didn’t pay the fees by the next day, I wouldn’t be allowed to attend the exam. I went to my grandparents to ask for the money, and whatever they said that day completely broke me. It was related to money, but my mind doesn’t want to remember the exact words. I cried uncontrollably that entire day.

I don’t blame my grandparents — they were also suffering because of the financial crisis caused by my parents. But even then, I blamed myself for being born. After that incident, I completely stopped studying and stayed indoors, taking care of my grandparents. Then the pandemic hit, and suddenly six years passed. Everyone else studied and moved on with their lives, while I remained stuck with my grandparents.

Recently, these feelings have become worse. Seeing others achieve things in life and live normally triggers an unknown anger in me. I keep asking why I deserve to live like this. But in the end, I still blame myself. I don’t even know if I should post this here. I just wanted to tell someone, because I can’t tell my family. If I say that they ruined my future, they will either blame me or blame themselves — and I don’t want to hurt them.

At the same time, I don’t know what to do next. I have no studies, no true friends, and no clear direction. I feel like I have failed in life. I hope no one else has to fail like I did.

Good luck 🤞