Dealing w/ Aging Body, Mind, & Mental Health--while Trying to Still Do Things
It is getting increasingly more difficult, of course, to deal with all of the things in life that need to be properly taken care of with my body advancing (surgeries, walker sometimes, vision problems, bad back problems and had major back surgery, many more body parts that aren't working right, etc.), with my mind unable to think clearly and quickly as it used to, and with my trauma/abuse that I still have not resolved at my age, which is shameful, even if it involved lots of decades--no excuse.
I decided in my 20's to get my tubes tied, as to make sure I did not have any kids. I had already at that point gone through lots of abuse, and there was more after that left for me, and I knew at that point, that I didn't want to risk bringing a child or children into this world, with me being young at that age and not knowing how I would handle and treat children of mine when problems came up with discipline. It turns out, I would have been great to children and very loving and have not continued the abuse cycle onward. But, back then, at that point, I had to decide what may be best for children, considering everything under my control. I decided to choose to be safe for any and all children I may have had. I had no way of knowing that I would turn out so differently back then.
So, I am getting older, as expressed at the beginning, in lots of ways listed and more not listed. I have no children to ever help with anything, due to my own choice. There is no family left, but one sister, who is well....we will not go there and will be nice and say she is our sister, we love her, try to be good to her, offer to help lots, and that is about all we can do, for so many years.
So, I/we are facing a life alone. We live with Grover and he is 9 years older. We are both helping each other now. It is ok for now, but, we know later, it will not be as good as it is now. I/we are worried about what is ahead of us, but, know that I/we will do all we can do to solve things and take care of things, as Amy has always done so well her whole life.
Are any of the rest of you having and dealing with any of these feelings and have no children to help you for the rest of your life? Or, anyone else to help you at all?
sounds tough im sorry
I can relate to the growing older part. I can truly understand your anguish. My children are not emotionally available to me because of mistakes I've made. I'm totally alone and living by myself and am in great mental and physical pain.
@Dthorne484
My heart goes out to you. I hope that somethings are possible to improve for you.
I am alone partly by conscious choice and partly due to my failures as a human being. There was abuse in my childhood and I swore I would never have children of my own. That decision was made at a very young age and the thinking behind that was cutting off the branch of the family tree that I was a part of. I would be the end of the line on the sperm donors side. I decided to get married into a readymade family. The children were still in diapers. Things went well until the birth father who only showed up for visitation when he was trying to impress some girl decided to pull the kids aside and tell them that he would be back if they got me out of there. They were barely in grade school!! From that day forward they did everything they could to do their fathers bidding. At first I tried to brush it off but my wife soon started treating me the same way the children were. I didn’t handle it well at all. Everything that happened in the house became world war 3 and I was always on the defensive. We should have parted ways long before we did , it was the children who suffered and I on top of everything else I struggle with really am disappointed that I failed them miserably. The boy died a couple of years ago, I don’t know for sure but I think it was suicide. I feel responsible for that, I failed to live up to the expectations of being a father and role model. I let everything tear me down even more than I already was and I should have stayed the course of no children. I had honestly entered the relationship truly believing that I could be a positive influence in their lives. I was wrong. I am one who doesn’t deserve anyone in my life, I can’t even be a decent enough person to be a good parent. I struggle with every single task I try and do. I step out of the shower and question whether or not I actually washed or just got wet. All of my activities are that way. I have had numerous injuries throughout my life and my body reminds me everyday of that fact. I have had numerous concussions and that I am sure is going to be a big issue later if it isn’t one already. I am afraid of a future alone. I deserve a future alone. I have been a lousy human being and I have nobody to blame but myself. Whatever happened as a child to me is no excuse for free will everyday decisions that create the lifetime of failures I have accumulated. I can relate but for all the wrong reasons. I apologize if this seems cruel I just am speaking the truth as I see it.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hi Iamwhoiam,
Thank you for sharing your story. It is not cruel at all and I am glad that you want to speak about your truth and how things have been for you. I totally understand so much you have shared and it is more sad and not at all cruel. I can understand how it feels cruel to you inside. I have those same feelings about myself. I am so sorry that the kids got so swayed by what he later said to them. It is really ashamed how it all kept continuing and growing, with your wife also getting that way too. I can't imagine how hurtuf this was for you. You were there, you wanted to do right by them all, and you were denied that opportunity because of something out of your control. I know how that can feel like you were bad and a failure inside of you. I struggle with similar things also, but, not related to being a parent of kids. But, I do recognize your feelings about this so much. It does not seem like no matter what you would have done differently that it would have changed the outcome. It is one thing for me to say that and for you to feel that inside. I understand that too well. I have lived with guilt, hatred of myself, and shame over so much, mostly abuse related things that I really did not cause but, I feel that yet, I am still a bad, awful, horrible person and it was all my fault. That translates over into so many other areas of my life, as just a general feeling for me about so much of my life. I bet it was very, very hard to constantly handle all that was going on within the house. That would just be too much! It is horrible when you are also grown and home is turmoil and a constant battle is going on all the time!!!! It messes you up in a lot of ways. Where are you supposed to go? What are you supposed to do? With you having to be on the defense for so long there, it has probably helped to create a lot of the negative feelings you have about yourself, plus with how it ended. I wish that there were some way that you could not feel all the fault with this. It is very hard when we feel bad, that we did not live up to our expectations, and that we should have done things differently. I sympathize with you and how you feel and understand all too well. But, you do deserve someone in your life. You want to be good, to help, to contribute, etc. There are a lot of people who would love that. I am sorry that you have had numerous injuries, including many concusioins in your life time. It is hard to do something and not know if you did right, did it all, or even know what all of it went on. That would make everything you do a big thing to even accomplish. You must go through so much!! It is very good of you to be able to know that what happened to you as a child does not give you an excuse to just do anything in life to anyone. Many people who have been abused as children do not get to this point. With all my abuse as a child and young adult, I have felt as you do about things in my life always being my own responsibility, no matter what has ever happened. I know that I am always responsible for all I do, whether it is good, medium bad, or horrible. It is all up to me. I have C-PTSD and DID from my abuse and I still know that I am responsbile for all that my alters do also, no matter what goes on. You feel the same as I do, in that we feel we have created a life time of failures. I don't know about you, but, I have still been trying to work on some of how I feel about things. I believe that a lot of the ways that both you and I feel are more succeptable to people who have gone through lots of child abuse. It has taken me a real long time to figure this out, in a way. But, saying that and then changing so many feelings inside are two different things. I hope you will write back and share anymore that you would like to say. Thanks so much for writing and sharing your story. Write back anytime.
