Hi - this why I’m here

Long post

It’s so stupid, and I’m upset with myself for even thinking about it or thinking about her. I loved her so so so much. I would’ve done anything to keep her happy, to make her smile. She was my everything. My best friend, my lover, my confidant and the one person I could count on. So, let’s start at the beginning. Prepare yourself because this is going to be pretty long. On the 18th of this month I got one of those “memory” notifications from Facebook. You know the ones - that bring up posts from that day in the different years. That’s what set this off - that’s what led me here and to needed help. In 2011 I was using an app that was just to make relationships - friendships/romantic/whatever. I remember there was this girl who was living in Minnesota and I just thought she was the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen. We started talking and I was completely smitten with her. We joked about it - I was a smitten kitten. We talked every day - we would have Skype dates and we really learned a lot about each other. She loved me, I loved her. At some point we actually started sending cute little love letters back and forth. She’d spray some of her perfume on it, kiss the paper with her lipstick - all that sweet and cute stuff. I bought her gifts (it’s the person I am - I like making my woman happy) and was always there for her. Through everything. Through fights with her parents, in sickness, in school - whatever it was. I was there and never doubted her. Never questioned her. Always pushed her to he her best self. I think it was December 2011 we started to talk about actually meeting. Maybe February of 2012, I don’t remember exactly. Things got so bad and painful I blocked a lot out. Anyway - to try to make this a little shorter we decided to meet up in Minneapolis that July. And oh my god, she was even better in person. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I couldn’t not want this woman to be a part of my life. I was in love, deeply and sacrificially in love. She was and still is the deepest connection I ever had with a person. I was 20, she was 18 but we were more like four years apart. There was this swing on what I’m going to call the front porch of the hotel. I remember distinctly sitting with her on that swing as it softly rained. Her parents liked me so much we actually made plans the next month for her to come down to Texas and spend a week here. There’s a lot about that week that I remember and sometimes I wish I didn’t. I can’t remember why but I was late to the airport. I felt horrible. But when I saw her standing in the concourse there my heart just jumped in my chest. Of course I helped her with her bags and took her home to where I was still living with my mother at tue time. There are things that I’ll remember all my life - and that week with her will be one of them. It’s been ten years and I can’t remember exactly all that we did, but we spent a lot of time at a place called Turkey Bend near Marble Falls - which I believe is west of Austin. Don’t hold me to that I have an awful sense of direction. The best memory was that - but just spending time with her giggling and being in love was like nothing I’ve felt before or since. Several nights we would lay there in a small grassy area by the bend in the river and watch the stars. You could smell the sweet smell of everything in bloom. The bats ahead - and the full moon in the sky was a sight to see. Sounds romantic already right? It gets better. There was a meteor shower going on. We literally watched the stars fall together for several nights. I’ve never been so happy in my entire life. She was supposed to sleep in the guest room next to my room - but some time in the night she magically teleported through that wall into my arms, and into my bed. Now as you can probably imagine a man and woman who love each other in the same bed is - well, things are bound to happen. And they did. It was my first time, as well as hers. Still some of the best physical love even still - and I know that’s rare. I can only think it was because we were so in love. I felt like shit afterwards because I promised my mom and her parents nothing would happen. I broke the promise to them - and I promise to myself. Anyway blah, blah, blah. The rest of the time was just as perfect. We were able to spend my birthday to together. Then like a whirlwind- that week was over and it was time for her to go home. After she got home, she went to start her senior year (she was 18) and one day left her phone there on the table. I guess her parents knew her passcode or something - but they saw our messages talking about the intimacy we shared. As you can imagine they were pissed. We both were in a sh*t ton of trouble. Her life fell apart as well as mine. This is where it gets unclear on what happened… but a couple days later she broke up with me. She told me she didn’t love me, and said no when I cutely asked her to marry me like I’ve done a million times. It broke me so f-ing much. I tried to talk to her about it - and everything. But she stopped messaging me. The Skype calls stopped. She fell off the face of the earth. Every now and then I’d get a message but not like before. She was cold- distant and wasn’t the girl I was so in love with. Of course my mind went first to her parents… they must’ve punished her and told her to leave me. I asked if they had something to do with it but she said it was her own decision. I would’ve believed that if she didn’t tell me she wrote something about our time together literally days before - talking about the time in that field and the amazing whole week. I begged her to talk to me. To call me. To do something. To tell me she loved me, anything. But nothing. This next part is why I’m here. She lied to her parents about our time in bed - that I instigated. But that wasn’t true. I told her I wanted to wait and that we would be disappointing our parents. We did it but only if she promised she wouldn’t leave me and really try - and she wanted to not use a condom. I thought about it and told her no. I told her no for the exact reason I was worried about happening actually happened. I wasn’t going to let her ruin her life for a couple nights of pleasure. She would’ve missed college. She would’ve had to be a single mom, and it would’ve been hard for me to help. Because of that she now has a family, children and a career. I did that because I was truly in love with her along with every thing about her. We fought. I wanted to get her back so bad. I’m glad it didn’t happen because it became really ugly. There was name calling - all that. I trusted her 100% with my heart and she destroyed me. Freaking Facebook made all this come back up - and I realize now I never really healed. I’ve never had closure. She got the closure she wanted because she knew I had feelings for her up until 2014… and I tried my best to be kind to her even when she didn’t deserve it. I never really got an answer of why she left that actually satisfied me. I was hurting for a long time and even a couple years later I was still having these awful dreams. The one I still remember because it effected me so much was one where she was holding a black snake - which at the time I thought was a black mamba. She liked snakes, basically all animals. In this dream she used to snake to murder me. Over the last ten years I’ve been in relationships. Most were long distance online - a couple were in person. I ran from everyone. People who I loved because things would get slightly difficult. I’m still running. I still have problems with my trust. There’s an open wound that I just ignored for years and years. Facebook ripped open my bad stitching and made me realize how hurt I still am. How much I trusted her. How in love we were. I don’t think she ever told her parents the truth… which is awful. It’s really awful. We were talking about a life together before all this happened. A marriage. Anyway. Right now I’m looking at several services to start counseling. One is 7Cups of course, Talkspace, Cerebral and BetterHelp. I’m not sure which one I’m going to go with yet. I like this app because it has a free open area you can actually use. I think that’s important for everyone to get feedback. This is my story. This is why I don’t trust. This is why I run. This is why I expect everyone to hurt me.