Pigeon's Nest

This is my first actual post this.

Today was relatively low stress. Tomorrow I have to meet with someone at noonish to discuss my end project for a class that I'm working on. The performance anxiety has been kinda mounting. 'specially since this is a pretty end game kinda class that I was brazen enough to take early on. lol

I keep on going back to how college was 10 years ago. How I screwed up, how I disappointed everyone. Closest thing to my mother died wondering where I was gonna end up, my family threw me out and made me homeless... and then there was college where it looked like I was just some punk that didn't deserve her scholarship. That didn't deserve entry into the classes I was in due to my low test scores which were destined because of how horrible my anxiety was and my conditions at home with my abusive family.

....but that isn't now.

Sure... I've got an abusive jackass to deal with. But I'm finally learning a thing or two about life and existing as a human, not some construct that they think I am. A scapegoat that deserves to be a sacrificial idol. Nah... screw that noise.

I'm gonna figure this out. Somehow. I'm really worried for this term of my university, but when am I not? XD However, I do feel a bit more confidence and it's showing.

My psych noted that my progress was "remarkable". I...wonder.

I do know that things are shifting. I feel it. My dreams are more vivid, my senses are awakening. After this long winter, Spring is finally arriving.

Been awhile. Hoo. I'm tired and overcoming a persistent ear infection that has spread to my other ear now.

...Besides that, many little twinges of bedlam ensue.

My God, the boundaries that have been crossed. How I've been raised by abusive people who only see others as extensions of themselves. No definition. "How DARE my arm say or act in such a way". My boundaries have been trampled for ages, and only in this year(I believe) have I attempted to firmly state my No.

For example, my abusive husband with severe unresolved wounds believes everything belongs to him. So he has taken to wearing one of my robes, using my fancy(extremely girl) spa products, and other such things. One day this week I actually put my foot down about the soap he had used- but then he wanted my fancy shampoo I got in Chinatown a few years back. WHENEVER he takes a bath in there.

I hid it this time, but then he simply looked lazily and said he'd have to rummage around in the bathroom to find it. "Only a little" of this rummaging. X_X; Yeah right. He's gone through my things multiple times and gets angry if I disapprove. It's just like being that little girl again with the sh*tty father. Heck, they say you find what's familiar. Something about trying to have another go at it and this time "fixing" it. Or something...

I've woken up here.

To my own potential- to what's going on.

The shape of my boundaries.

My own co-dependency.

My role in this, and how I can change it.

But also, positivity. Making connections, self-love, and self-care. Compassion.

It's really hard... because in all this psychological stuff one side says you're a victim to this- can see why it would be that way. The other side says LOL you let them have your power. Idiot. And yet with all these advances in many fields, we cannot seem to find something to bridge this gap. It's frustrating.

I don't want to be wearing the victim badge, but then again I don't want or need to be powerless. But I want compassion or empathy if I choose to share these things. I know I'm not that little girl I used to be, but the trauma, the past, and even my life altering phobia is still contained and reacted to in this form of the little girl. I myself am very childish at times. I want to grow, past this poor disheveled little girl. But not PAST her, WITH her. I have tried abandoning her before and it wound up in a total collapse. My mental architecture so to speak.

Another thing I'm learning is not to be held captive to my abuser's situation. He's addicted to escape via very child-like things and some not so child-like things. Obsessing over how much of a d-bag he is doesn't help, a little venting here and there can't be helped. But it's easy to have yet another thing to b*tch about- they want that kind of negative attention it would seem.

*sighs*

I will face my fears.

I will be able to maintain myself and work through them.

Sitting with that fear or those negative emotions and managing to work through the day without a total breakdown or volatile reaction. I long for those days. Where trauma and re-traumatization doesn't dictate my life.

Feeling like hell today.

Been getting things done, but it seems like I clear one thing off for their only to be a mountain awaiting me at the next turn. ...these impossible feelings and some of the things that have happened lately reminded me of some of my previous trauma.

My ex-family of origin, who I entirely cut off around ten years ago after they threw me out and made me homeless. My grandmother who was raising me because my deadbeat parents were too busy getting drunk/high, partying, and cattin' around didn't give a crap about their daughter. I was pretty screwed up then, even. A LOT had happened already, she thought I was troublesome but didn't want to see me tossed aside. But her family would constantly insult and ridicule me while she stood by. There was a lot of alcoholism and other things involved.

I was troubled. She did A LOT for me, and my agoraphobia was just starting to present itself. Due to the fact my family constantly said I was worthless, pulled different kinds of things on me, and the only place where I felt somewhat safe was my room- but then my aunt would come in and just take stuff for her speshul golden child daughter. No permission stated that it was technically not mine. What a b*tch. They were all like that. Stuff like that ensued- and I felt so worthless and scared that I hardly left my room...only to be called worthless and what not by my relatives that would brag about my cousin who was so "wonderful" *eyeroll*. I hate them. I always will.

The twisted family dynamics, the whiffs of incest(and the actual incest that occurred), the way they didn't accept death. My grandmother was calling out for me on her deathbed and wondered what would happen to me... where I would live. And then...they just waited for their chance. I had some friends over who were staying over a night from Vegas, I'm not friends with them anymore because of how sickeningly toxic they turned out to be.

They had ALL this stuff and then a baby in tow and someone tipped off my family because I'm a screw-up that turned their house into like a trap house. Yeah right, the only one who cleaner than them. I had NO IDEA they'd have all that stuff. The ENTIRE family was alerted, and then they kicked me out and changed the locks. I left with the clothes on my back and the car I used to drive to school, some books, and the computer. I had no one. When I was freaking out over losing my home my "father" just mocked me and wondered if I was pregnant. They don't get that I'm not a sleazebag kind of person like them. There I was, no one advocating me. The crazy bastard saying that my family "LOVED" me. And then my rather power-hungry nutso older cousin breaking into a house where I was staying to find me after I was hiding from him and FORCE me to hug- it felt like he was trying to choke me. Give me these insulting words of comfort, not to mention say I would have a dead end job. He just broke in there(he was a cop) and I told him to leave me alone, he wouldn't go. I told him to f*** off, to leave me alone, all those times. It came to a point where I was just a crying heap. I couldn't move- I was so f***ing scared.

After that, I traveled for a bit- homeless....the other part is when some things that really contributed to this 10-year isolation take place. This part certainly did, though. I started crying halfway through writing this. and to this day they think I'm some f***-up enemy that merely deserves to be their slave to torment.

How this is in relation to now, my current abuser doesn't like the word no and will not take no for an answer at times. It's seen as an insult or that it doesn't apply to them. I try hard to maintain my cool and realize I'm dealing with someone who is a giant toddler. That this WON'T be my future, and this loser won't be there when things are said and done. My entire family was losers- no matter how "successful" they seem. I hope that some means of fate equalizes what they have done to me- that they suffer for what they've done. I for one do not trust families, but I hope one day I find people that are like a family to me. People who accept me for who I am and do not seek to cut me down. People who are positive and compassion. But are empathetic and will just be there with you, not trying to FIX or SOLVE things via a stupid peptalk. Inspirational stuff is welcome, but sometimes I just want to be heard or have someone simply there for me.

Went to post last time and closed that tab out! Was halfway through the post- quite frustrating. Here I am to try to put my thoughts down here again.

It's been kind of chaotic, but also murky and as if things are being taken into the slough of despondency mentioned in the Pilgrim's Progress. More and more I realize things about my self, my past, the choices I've made and how I've been like a ghost in a perpetual loop playing out the circumstances of around ten years ago.

I was frightened going into therapy last night. Frightened that I would be reprimanded for being the "victim" and letting these people take my "power"- because it's all MY fault. I've been subject to victim shaming before in the mental health industry. Trying to be empowering but at the same time, it feels like they're taunting one for what they did. "LOL you had power, wtf did you do that for. Own up to it." I hate it. You'll see this is kind of an ongoing rant for me.

It wasn't like that this time. Let me settle down here with my tea. Using my Consort this time. The one with the blossoming white flower with the red wilting ones behind it. A very somber kind of feel. The epitome of still life. Well... instead I got empathy, which isn't rare. But I was surprised and a bit worried. On the way to my appointment, an incident occurred where I got incited and snapped at my abuser after they wouldn't stop harassing me. It was over essential oil, strangely enough. Any conversation with the abuser gets turned into a debate/argument/dismissal. When I snapped they just stopped talking and looked freaked out. ...then resumed normal conversation- like I was apparently crazy, so please excuse her. e_e;

My psych said that what I had experienced was straight up violence. Even though I mentioned it before, this time seemed different. I was under verbal attack and I've been, so it's no wonder I snapped- if anything when I lashed out he was like a scared little bully on the schoolyard. Never thought of it as...violence. But it is. I worked on using EMDR with that particular experience and got a little spacy. I can't do it for a long time because I get really weird...almost drunk seeming. Feel better today. But looking ahead, I wonder how things will be? My next sessions are gonna focus on my past and the bullying that has happened to me that lead me to my isolation and seclusion. It's gonna be hard- been ignoring those aspects and just coping with the crap that my abuser has dished out.

I went through stages of "How inept I am to be dealing with this. WTF is wrong with me, I'm so freakin' stupid/retarded/etc.", to "I hate that little b*tch boy, etc." to now, "Y'know what? He doesn't DESERVE to know what I think. That's a privilege to people who respect me and treat me decently." Abusers and toxic people in general are fishing for reactions. So I've been learning to not personalize it, and treat them like I would a sleazy pop idol who is trying to play herself up as a bad girl. Ignore them. Because they WANT to be noticed, they WANT a reaction, and that gives them power(and publicity, not to mention sales in this case). So screw 'em. Gray rock all the way.

On the way back last night, my abuser acted like I had split personalities for lashing out on him. Calling me "yourselves". Hah. Yeah, I tested out for not having any MPD or anything like that. I do manage myself in ways related to Jungian constructs and the like at times, but he just wants to put more crazy on me so he can seem like some sane white knight good ol' boy. So here I am coping with a gender-bent version of Misery. DID/MPD does not make you crazy. These things he puts on me does not mean you are crazy. It's something that people struggle with. Not that defines them. He also tried to put me into the ASD spectrum and to be OCD. I asked my psych about these things, and he said neither of them applies to me. This wasn't to begin with, but merely recently- after about a year of knowing him and seeing him for once a week.

I keep these things secret. Because only those who are open to the fact I'm a separate human being with thoughts, feelings, and needs who will not harm me are allowed to know. It's a very somber feeling lately, but I'm excited for fall.

Here it is! Another Thursday.

I've been doing decently on my daily check-ins. That's pretty good, I guess. Also passed a class with a decent score, and I hope to move quickly through the class I'm working on currently. A management type class, actually. Feel kinda like a fraud. XD I mean, I only worked for barely a year after the sickness, mental and physical caught up with me and I went into my ten-year decline as a home-bound agoraphobic. Now attempting to do college again after flunking out due to the circumstances mentioned previously...

I'm not sure what to say...

Drank my chamomile milk tea before bed and now listening to some classical music while my diffuser is producing Lavender and Frankincense mist. Having a lot of trouble sleeping. I drank a lot of caffeine lately, and kinda eating things that aren't that hot for me. On the plus side, I've been eating more fruit again. I'm not as hesitant to eat a salad or vegetables that much anymore. Progress. XD

Hmmmm~. There was that incident where the miasmic incarnate said physical illnesses and mental illnesses are completely different in a very insulting way. Then lashed out at me when I got offended and I offered a simple, neutral statement to state I wasn't thrilled with his discussion. I cried that day, but people were so nice on here that I felt a lot better.

What else? Oh right, this same person then went on ranting about how he loves this one character in a book because they keep getting sh*t on but keep going and he loves cheering for them. I narrowed my eyes. How very silly. Fate does have a rather barbarous sense of humor at times. Not to mention the fact they bought tickets to a concert to go with a very losery crowd that actually hates him. Whatever, his thing- but they verbally attacked me many times and even called me a freak which he denies. They've used, lied, just been horrible- but he'll throw out the red carpet for them and assign me to the gallows. Hah...fishing for a reaction, indeed.

One of the things I detest about abusers the most- they try to act like it didn't happen. After all this, he sidled up to me and tried to talk to me like nothing happened. However, if you bring it up they tantrum and lash out(as usual). Some sources will tell you that you need to set boundaries in order for you to defend yourself. ...well, if you like fighting and screaming so much, do so. I've already decided I'm dealing with someone incapable of understanding those sorts of things. The best thing is to get away completely. I've decided that my silence, my heart, and my fortitude are not worth sharing or bearing to them. So I silently make my way out of it, walking towards the exit with each step I take. "A nice rope you have there, I really do not need it, tumultuous little boy." Oh, and don't forget realizing his addiction. That happened this week. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

Therapy has been tough lately, EMDR is very taxing on me. Facing the past that I finally have to... not exactly easy. Left it to sit for awhile, and things kept piling up each day with the walking miasmic pool. Besides the work I do in therapy, I watch Ted Talks and read articles and sometimes books on self-help. Incorporating Carol Dweck's Growth mentality work has helped immensely, combined with Mel Robbins 5 second rule. Not to mention my spirituality, and actively sending back the negative energy to those who truly need to deal with it and empowering myself to face my own challenges. I also give thanks and send out positivity when I can. Need to do that a bit more often, unfortunately. I used to give thanks every night. I'll get to that point again, I feel.

The road is long, and I intend to get out of this muck- but it's scary. Going out by myself, DRIVING, working! I've lived on my own before and paid my own bills, that's not a problem... but sticking with it, making healthy connections, not being completely dirt poor or homeless, being able to be happy and thrive! That's what I want. To be able to be myself and not be criticised 24/7. Y'know, have actual positive people around to celebrate and enjoy their company with! And I want my kitty boys to be happy and healthy and work towards my dream. My cat is lying on his back and I want to rub his belly. C_C; He doesn't like that much, though... Anyway...

Was gonna write a story today but just got distracted. Need to regain my focus after all this.

Here it is! Another Thursday.

I've been doing decently on my daily check-ins. That's pretty good, I guess. Also passed a class with a decent score, and I hope to move quickly through the class I'm working on currently. A management type class, actually. Feel kinda like a fraud. XD I mean, I only worked for barely a year after the sickness, mental and physical caught up with me and I went into my ten-year decline as a home-bound agoraphobic. Now attempting to do college again after flunking out due to the circumstances mentioned previously...

I'm not sure what to say...

Drank my chamomile milk tea before bed and now listening to some classical music while my diffuser is producing Lavender and Frankincense mist. Having a lot of trouble sleeping. I drank a lot of caffeine lately, and kinda eating things that aren't that hot for me. On the plus side, I've been eating more fruit again. I'm not as hesitant to eat a salad or vegetables that much anymore. Progress. XD

Hmmmm~. There was that incident where the miasmic incarnate said physical illnesses and mental illnesses are completely different in a very insulting way. Then lashed out at me when I got offended and I offered a simple, neutral statement to state I wasn't thrilled with his discussion. I cried that day, but people were so nice on here that I felt a lot better.

What else? Oh right, this same person then went on ranting about how he loves this one character in a book because they keep getting sh*t on but keep going and he loves cheering for them. I narrowed my eyes. How very silly. Fate does have a rather barbarous sense of humor at times. Not to mention the fact they bought tickets to a concert to go with a very losery crowd that actually hates him. Whatever, his thing- but they verbally attacked me many times and even called me a freak which he denies. They've used, lied, just been horrible- but he'll throw out the red carpet for them and assign me to the gallows. Hah...fishing for a reaction, indeed.

One of the things I detest about abusers the most- they try to act like it didn't happen. After all this, he sidled up to me and tried to talk to me like nothing happened. However, if you bring it up they tantrum and lash out(as usual). Some sources will tell you that you need to set boundaries in order for you to defend yourself. ...well, if you like fighting and screaming so much, do so. I've already decided I'm dealing with someone incapable of understanding those sorts of things. The best thing is to get away completely. I've decided that my silence, my heart, and my fortitude are not worth sharing or bearing to them. So I silently make my way out of it, walking towards the exit with each step I take. "A nice rope you have there, I really do not need it, tumultuous little boy." Oh, and don't forget realizing his addiction. That happened this week. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

Therapy has been tough lately, EMDR is very taxing on me. Facing the past that I finally have to... not exactly easy. Left it to sit for awhile, and things kept piling up each day with the walking miasmic pool. Besides the work I do in therapy, I watch Ted Talks and read articles and sometimes books on self-help. Incorporating Carol Dweck's Growth mentality work has helped immensely, combined with Mel Robbins 5 second rule. Not to mention my spirituality, and actively sending back the negative energy to those who truly need to deal with it and empowering myself to face my own challenges. I also give thanks and send out positivity when I can. Need to do that a bit more often, unfortunately. I used to give thanks every night. I'll get to that point again, I feel.

The road is long, and I intend to get out of this muck- but it's scary. Going out by myself, DRIVING, working! I've lived on my own before and paid my own bills, that's not a problem... but sticking with it, making healthy connections, not being completely dirt poor or homeless, being able to be happy and thrive! That's what I want. To be able to be myself and not be criticised 24/7. Y'know, have actual positive people around to celebrate and enjoy their company with! And I want my kitty boys to be happy and healthy and work towards my dream. My cat is lying on his back and I want to rub his belly. C_C; He doesn't like that much, though... Anyway...

Was gonna write a story today but just got distracted. Need to regain my focus after all this.

Things are looking up as of late.

Did some paperwork last night for my financial aid and am continuing to study my class today. Home is a very desolate right now. If it's not the "roommate" disassociating and living in a fantasy world, its some kind of rage or attack mode. It's pathetic. After being quite frank with my psych about the way things have been going he decided it would be beneficial and good for me to see a marriage counselor to at least help advocate for me in this hostile climate.

While the idea strikes an uneasiness in me, I am going along with it. I have already accepted the fact this person won't change, never believes it's their fault and chooses quite blatantly to act in such a horrendous manner. I also have ethical problems with it, however. Can see how someone would not want to participate in this situation due to it's no-win kind of scenario. It feels like I'm being manipulative. And to be honest, I do feel a bit sneaky- but my psych has a point... no one is completely altruistic. Still...it concerns me...

After speaking my mind very frankly last time, it seems my theory about them having similar experiences holds water. That they have depression, anxiety, and PTSD that they're ignoring. I've also suspected sexual abuse from their family, besides substance abuse issues. What this leads to? A train wreck. A train wreck denying it's a train wreck. Because if they accepted or conceded they had some kind of mental illness they would consider themselves "wrong". As they have told me I am. That I went to therapy because there was something WRONG with me, and they weren't going because *laugh* there's nothing WRONG with them. Imagine some grimy awkward boy saying this to you in a "loving" manner and that's what I experienced.

With all the sh*t I've experienced I don't lash out at people at the drop of a hat. And I sure as h*ll would feel bad for lashing out at someone I loved or cared for. Hoo, this fetishized "normalnormalnormal" life they have is just nuts. I'm supposed to play the role of the Stepford wife. No feelings, intimacy(physical, mental, etc.), thoughts, deviances allowed. Obey, obey, and obey. Because, little mr. controller can't handle anything else. "A human element in a relationship?! HAH! That SHOULDN'T happen. I'd...*insert verbal diarrhea that lasts for 20+ minutes here* "

This isn't even a healthy friendship. After all this time, I'm done with grieving it seems. I'm more in my angry stage. Been doing okay in walking away from them, dropping the rope and all... but I am still pretty pissed off about things. And somehow I'm using that anger to fuel my way out of here. By working on my education, future, mental health, and soon my physical health and well-being. The emotional eating has been really bad as of late and I gained a bunch again. I know I've said before that I got to do something, but I feel this will be the time I truly take it into my hands. I tell myself "I don't need it." now. I need other things, friendship, love, empathy, compassion, honesty, and just a safe place. Not crammin' a bunch of sugary sweets to "finish a deadline" or some other excuse. I don't need it. It's a work in progress but it's one I'll be happy with, eventually.

*sighs* Don't go into the serpent's nest. You'll get bitten.

I simply called the bank today to get something done, but it turns out that's not how you do it. The walking wound told me that I needed to call the place do it myself, but then they told me to go in there. X_X; I said something along the lines of, "Well, that's different from what you told me or said..." kind of to no one in particular. And then INJURY, RAGE. Maybe he did tell me to go in there, but I also just don't wanna deal with his crazy MIL's BS. I've been avoiding it because she works there and I REALLY don't wanna deal with her or her negativity. Heck, I have reason to believe she's behind this miffed up paperwork, as well. Funny how my husband's stuff gets through expediently but mine somehow ALWAYS has a problem even when I have someone look it over. Well, he might be doing it on purpose, too. LOVELY people, really. Not to mention he won't change banks because apron strings. Even broaching the subject gets rage.

I'm just trying not to get swept up in the sheer crazy right now. How that one off remark turns into YOU BLAMED MEEEEEEEEEEE. When he will go on in formulae: "WELL YOU...*insert blame and idiotic explanation along with circular conversation about how it's my fault*", "You never xyz.", "WELL! I remember it differently!"

I would be fine with apologizing... but not with the way he's acting. It is completely emotionally retarded. We all make mistakes, but to seriously run off and sulk for the entire day afterward and be cooped up in the bedroom like a freakin' kid and plugged into his fantasy worlds... It's pathetic. I tried to talk to him about it, that "Hey sometimes I can't remember stuff and I need to do it myself." That doesn't mean everytime I freakin' forget everything and he has to play %100 Right.

Of course, I got the YOU BLAMED ME! when you said that treatment. How I apparently can only see things through my own perspective and no one else's. It continued on like that and basically him with his narcissistic whining til I simply walked out of the room while he continued to demonize me and project- he still was talking for five to ten minutes after I walked out of the room. "This is why our marriage is blahblahblah and it's just a one-way street with you..." and so forth. There's a thing called a mirror, think you might want to look in it- Mr. Holier Than Thou

So yeah, ACT and drop that motherf***in' rope! Gonna do some of that self-help guide after this, and then focus on my university stuff. Gotta just think of this as some psychological field study and learn what I can from this. Apply what I know, and simply don't react to the subject in question. Since I am practically dealing with a wild animal who refuses to control their feelings, emotions, or rage.

Really wish I had a long-term support listener to help me deal with the narcissistic abuse, mind-games, and trickery I deal with on a daily basis. Not to mention someone with trauma experience. I've found it hard to connect with listeners as of late and find that they aren't equipped to deal with me besides everyday conversation. I mean- not everyone goes through hardcore stuff so it's kinda expected. Heck, mental illness is still a taboo kind of subject strangely enough. I'm glad that I have my psych and the community members here. There have been some awesome listeners out there, but PTSD + whatever else makes things that much more complex.

Kinda would like some support or something that I'm totally not being some evil monstrous b*tch right now. I don't think I am, but I'm still learning to trust my intuition and not accept their manufactured gaslit reality they want me to devour.

Haven't felt like talking much on here. Still got comments to respond to. X_X;

I dunno. Just processing some stuff, working through the BS at home everyday. Been studying the ACT path a bit more and doing the exercises... but I need to get back into meditation and yoga. Gave myself an extended break for three days or so. Doing nothing. I couldn't focus on my schoolwork... but I'm trying new methods of note-taking for that and seeing what works. My last class, yay. Gonna get through it quickly, I know it!

Like I said....haven't felt like talking much... it's been easier to break from that codependency where you believe someone's words so readily and have your own reality. This is NOT to be confused with youthful hubris or arrogance over your perspective. But confidence in your intuition and perspective, even when someone so cloying tells you something is this or that when it clearly isn't. Because telling someone how/what they are thinking/feeling/saying/wanting is BS. Flat out. It's entirely BS. And I REFUSE to be sucked into that again by some emotionally immature toddler who hates the world and hates himself. My family was the same. Its taken me a long time to undo some of those programs of old, but damn it... I'm gonna do it.

To the one person I know is me, you are you. They cannot tell you who you are when the facts are right there. You've listened to your therapists, psych, and others and some of them aren't exactly reliable or safe. But you've learned which ones you can trust, which ones you shouldn't. But you've also learned to look at your own actions, feelings, thoughts, and wants. You've looked into that mirror and took into account some of the more violent truths that have emerged. Responsibility is also part of who I am. Took some time to learn, but I will get even better at it and more mature. Hoo, life's a journey of learning, isn't it?

So... the holidays are approaching. X_X;

Not an easy time for me. Have a feeling others on here can empathize.

Thanksgiving, Christmas, general holiday BS.

This is hands down one of the toughest times of the year for me. I had a session earlier this week of therapy that was quite honestly a blood-letting. It was the first time I cried so much in a session. I tried so damn hard to keep myself together, and I could not stop it. We were working on processing and focusing on some of the old traumas. Like the bullying and scapegoating that occurred in my family and has happened to me out in public. I swear abusive people can almost sniff out that weakness or something. Have spoken to others who have observed the same and read an article where it was attributed to disassociation. Which I do a lot in public, especially if things are intolerable for me at the moment or other reasons. Lately, I haven't been as much- but I find that my anxiety medicine I take on occasion helps with it. I just don't want to be so distant from things all the time. That's how it makes me feel. I want to be able to cope with my emotions, damn it.

Anyway... I've cut off the inlaws due to their abusive, vicious negativity. My family is also cut off. Both sides. Same situation. They are like rabid animals that eat their young. My best friend and her mom I ended up cutting off because of them telling me to "get over" my situation and not doing anything to listen or help me. They simply tried to dig up gossip- which is so freakin' sad. I grew up with these people and I care for them, but yet again I'm being seen as inconvenient and someone caught in the cross-fire of their dysfunctional family affairs. I really miss when times were simpler- or at least appeared to be. They never were. One of the last bits of negativity I'm stuck with is my husband- who I keep working towards gaining independence from. My psych noted my progress as of late. I'm happy, but I don't really feel anything about it- it just needs to get done. I need to work through this and the things that have festered with only the slightest glance.

With my school and career stuff it's hard enough- but focusing on recovery and building up my strength and focus to be able to work. It's been challenging. This time of year...I remember when the closest thing to a mother died. I remember when that crazed family locked me out of the house and made me homeless. I remember having to abandon my cat to them because of some misunderstanding and having to leave her to their whims. I feel so horrible about it. The fact...the sexual assaults happened while I was homeless... and I got a job but I was so sick and even suffered from mold poisoning due to the environment being like something from freakin' Last of Us. And I lost her... even near death she worried about what they were going to do to me. She tried to ease me out of the home, but my agoraphobia was starting to get worse. And then I was cast out into the stormy winter with the clothes on my back, my car, and a carfull of my things. Yet they have told me they loved me.

If there is some equalization. Some vengeance to be dealt, let it be done. Let these people suffer how they made me suffer. All the blame, shame, hatred, self-loathing and insanity that they embody... I hope that others who are decent people get away from them quickly- that they are smart enough to save themselves from that suffering. It makes me sick how much the inlaws are like these people and claim to be "good people". Yet the only way they know how to communicate is through mind-games. You don't end up how my eventually to be ex is like without some pretty severe circumstances.

I've been through hell. but I'm not gonna blame everyone and everything and play poor little victim 24/7. Men like him make me sick. Heck, just people like that. I think one day I'll find someone who will be a lovely human being, someone who I can learn about and grow with. A healthy relationship. Being on here I've made healthy friends- or at least friends pursuing health and recovery. It's given me hope for my own recovery, hope for new friendships and connections. I really need to do those check-ins, though. Feel that they really help me and also teach me empathy and compassion by readings others responses. A good thing, considering my rather nihilistic/misanthropic burn the world broodiness as of late. Puer has been thick with the "holiday cheer" lately via entitlement and mind-games. Has not helped things. The marriage counselor is also not available until December. X_X; Wish I could just trade this model for different one. Where the heck is the receipt?!