Gambling, self harm, porn, loneliness and hate

Ive felt a deep shame and insecurities since i was 5 years old. I think it started when my kindergarten girlfriend (also 5 years old) pressured me to try and have sex with her. The same year i started elementary school and because i attracted narcolepsy i gained a lot of weight that year, and i felt like the most disgusting kid in the world. Ever since then ive had very strong sexual feelings about girls. I feel like i dont deserve to find love and even if i wanted to i wouldnt know how. I just feel so lonely and pathetic and hopeless. Ive used porn to and masturbation to try and simulate what its like to be with a woman, but its just not real. I feel disgusted saying this, as Im basically just giving any woman or man who may see this a reason to be creeped out, which will just make me hate myself even more. Because of the narcolepsy the government compensated me with 3 million NOK(around 300k$) and i started gambling about a year after turning 18. Ive now ran it down to 0, which means i cant afford medical bills, medicine, therapy etc. so the few times i get money, i instantly deposit on online casinos, snd if i lose I take the knife on my gaming desk and start to carve it into my arm. I really dont know what to do, or maybe i just wasnt meant for a good life. The more depressd and lonely I feel, the more I hate myself. If things dont change i dont imagine i will be alive in s couple of years