Methamphetamine Addiction and Recovery
I've been addicted to meth for about 7 years now with my recovery/sobriety starting August 2022 but have relapsed several times since my father passed away in April. I've always been a huge Daddy's girl and I've had a very hard time coping with his death because I was his primary caregiver after he was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic lung cancer but chose to undergo radiation and chemotherapy treatments (against my wishes). He responded pretty good to the radiation treatments and even seemed like he was getting a little bit stronger but then he had his 1st chemotherapy treatment on April 11th which left him so weak that he was no longer able to complete normal activities of daily living like dressing, bathing, toileting and ambulation. He lost a lot of weight and was barely eating and became incontinent of bowel and bladder. When my Mom and I were getting him ready for bed on Thursday evening, Daddy asked if we would place some plastic underneath some towels on his side of the bed and when my Mom asked him why Daddy simply said that he was worried about not soiling the bed and ruining the mattress so we did as he wishes then I hugged and kissed him goodnight before going to bed myself. The next morning (Friday April 14th) my Mom got up and ready for work then checked on him before she left at 745am. His home health nurse, who visited once a week, was scheduled to visit him at 9am and she called me just before 9am to let me know that she would be at the house in a few minutes so I went to wake Daddy up for his nurse visit when I discovered that he had passed away sometime after my Mom left but before I woke up. The home health nurse confirmed that he had passed away approximately an hour before I found him. I'LL NEVER FORGET THE LOOK OF PURE PEACE ON HIS FACE.
I struggle daily with my feelings of guilt because I feel like I should have realized that he wasn't doing well since I'm a long-term care nurse for almost 20 years and have extensive knowledge of death and the dying process. Because of this guilt and my inability to cope with my extreme grief I've experienced a multitude of relapse episodes because it helps me shut down my emotions and depression so that I can function on a daily basis. I've been to therapy and have been medicated but I find that the medication just doesn't seem to be working on me. I'm completely at a loss of what I can do next to help me cope with my grief.
@hotnursemimi22 I'm sorry for the loss of your father. It's evident from your message that you had a close and loving relationship with him, and being his primary caregiver during his illness must have been an incredibly challenging experience.
It's entirely understandable that coping with his passing has been difficult for you, especially given your background in long-term care nursing. Grieving is a unique and complex process, and each person experiences it differently. Feeling guilt is a common response, but it's important to recognize that you did your best in caring for your father, and your professional background doesn't make you immune to the complex emotions that accompany personal loss.
I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with relapses as a way to cope with your emotions. It's commendable that you've sought therapy and medication, but it's also essential to find strategies that resonate with you personally. Perhaps exploring different therapeutic approaches or support groups could offer additional avenues for healing.
Additionally, consider discussing your concerns about medication with your healthcare provider to explore alternative options or adjustments. Remember that seeking support from friends, family, or a support group can be beneficial during this challenging time.
Take things one step at a time, and be patient and compassionate with yourself. Grieving is a process, and there is no set timeline. It's okay to seek different forms of support until you find what works best for you. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. Take care.
