Insecure relationship

I have been married to my husband for almost 3 years and we both are recovering addicts. I feel in love with him because of the intense love and validation he gave me. We met in active addiction and both of us were getting over a break up. Our previous relationships were full of drama and mistreatment causing us to have abandonment and trust issues. I loved his ability to connect with me on a deeper level and he gave me all of his attention because he seemed to crave mine. We spent every moment together and became codependent (that’s what we know how to do). We were able to get clean off heroin and meth because we couldn’t stand seeing each get high and started fighting a lot. My addiction to his love helped me get off my love addiction to drugs.

Can you see any potential problem with that? What did I think would happen when I didn’t get his validation or intense feelings of love from him? I go through with drawl. I get upset that I’m not getting my “fix” from him. Which could be manageable if it were short lived and we were able to develop healthy communication and coping mechanisms. But we didn’t do that. We got more and more angry and resentful of each other when we didn’t get our cravings of love met. When we felt like we were disappointing one another or feeling like we aren’t good enough, we start going into our unhealthy coping skills. He learned how to suppress his true feelings with anger and stubbornness. He leaves before he can be left and possible hurt. So now a wall is up and he’s telling himself that he doesn’t care about me or this relationship because there’s no way that he’s going to get hurt if he doesn’t care or try, right? So now I’m not getting any of my needs met; I’m utterly miserable and triggered from my past trauma. I get left again, numerous times and thrown to the curb. I’m not good enough. I no longer get the validation I was getting from him. This insecure attachment ultimately lead me to relapse.

We are now together again but in active addiction. We have hurt each other through our past separations and can only deal with the pain with drugs since we can’t enough from our relationship. I realize I’m addicted to him and that we developed unhealthy patterns. I just don’t want it to be like this anymore. I crave his love and attention. The kind he used to give me. I see all the possibilities and remember the amazing qualities he showed me consistently before… We just can’t seem to get over our fears. Like we are scared to go all in and get hurt again.

I just need to focus on me and my path and not depend on him to feed my self esteem and worth. I’m trying and this app is definitely helping. Listening to motivational speeches helps as well and getting outside my negative thoughts. I’m rerouting my focus to other things like hobbies and interests. I’m finally starting to get some relief again. I just fear being stuck in an insecure attachment and not do any positive work on myself because he doesn’t want to. Screw that! This is my life. 😊 I’m going to find happiness and hopefully it will rub off on him. I matter and no one needs to tell me that in order for me to believe it! I’m enough! I’m worthy!