Seemingly Harmless

I am addicted to work. Yea, maybe it sounds productive, maybe it doesn't sound all that bad. The thing is it all happened about a year ago when I got out of an abusive relationship. I like to learn, I love school, I do extra work all the time. But though the actions didn't change, the purpose did. At first, I thought that I loved it, did it to further my goals. But the more I think about it, it is getting toxic, an escape for me. I feel guilt for letting him abuse me and waste my time, so I try to make up for it by doing more, more, more. I feel guilt for helping him financially, wasting hundreds of dollars, so now I never spend money on myself. I feel that I don't deserve it. I keep looking up more opportunities to help others, more ways to give back, more ways to be proactive, perhaps its because I felt so powerless in that relationship. I am running from myself, telling myself I don't deserve to sleep, eat, or laugh at times. I still am somewhat in denial, and I am afraid I won't stop until I quite literally pass out. It's gotten so bad that caffeine has been the substitute for food, I sleep less than the ideal amount. All the while my mind wanders to the traumatic past, and each time I feel drained. And so the cycle continues, with more work, more things to do, more stressors to put on myself. I justify it so many times saying that it is productive. Another thing I feel I am running from is "laziness". As I grew up, my parents called me lazy often because I had depression. I try to get over it, I do forgive them, but I still have that instilled in my subconscious mind. This chase, to run away from my fear, trauma, and myself is only getting worse. But perhaps it also is getting better, as I am talking about it now. I wasn't able to even type out anything about this for a year, a year of repression. I'm sure things will get better, I just wish it was soon..