The other day
My d.o.c. hasn't been in my system for close to 5 years. Staying abstinent from all substances has been difficult.
Anyway many moons ago I went to score. There was a house party going on. I followed down to his bedroom in the basement. It was supposed to be a score a leave type deal. No hanging out or whatever.
Long story short I sat on his bed. He was fiddling around with something. We had sex. I didn't want to do it. But I did do it. Then Ieft.
I was terrified honestly. It left this feeling inside me like I had been raped. But I willing engaged in it. So how could it be rape? It left me icky inside the whole scenario makes me angry and sad.
This man is now married. He came to my house and sat at my table. We didn't talk about the past..I'm still afraid of him. And I thought it might amend whatever wrong I put myself through. To myself for myself type of thing.
It didn't work out how I had hoped. ( Me badassly owning my sexuality, my rights to body, feeling strength for facing this MF, owning my shit. )
Have any of you had a similar experience or what are your thoughts?
I did that couple of times. I want to guess what you were scoring. If it is was what I think it was its a thing that happens. Its weird how there is a calm terror to the situation. Like you know just under the surface one wrong move could make the whole situation turn sideways. But to retell the story of the encounter it sounds like a boring story. There was no yelling or demands or threats. Only a reputation and a look. In any other setting no one could get your compliance with just a look. Only people who have been in thoes circles get it.
