Addicted

One place to start might be to try to self-reflect non-judgmentally on what the root cause of this addiction is coming from. It’s probably not as much about sex as it is about something else— control, insecurity, a desire for intimacy both emotional and physical that comes without the risk of getting hurt, feeling the need to live our scenarios in your mind that invert or subvert power dynamics that were expected of you or you were subjected to. There are a lot of reasons this happens. A super important thing is to not shame yourself or treat yourself like a monster. It’s natural for people to still find others attractive or be interested in learning new scenarios and sexual ideas to spice up a relationship one is already in by seeing what they find in porn— some couples feel comfortable watching porn together consensually, though this is not universal and should not be expected (it doesn’t work for me for instance). Still, non-judgement and non-shame is important. Knowing your wife’s and your personal boundaries about porn and whether it counts as cheating is important, and honoring those boundaries. However, if you find you want to honor boundaries and not look at porn, or even if your partner would be okay with it but you feel it has gotten excessive and unhealthy for you personally, you may want to consider talking to an addiction specialist, a sex therapist, or even a trauma specialist. As someone with PTSD and anxiety, I have suffered this addiction before myself (I’m female), and I found the most helpful thing for me was addressing the underlying trauma and need for intimacy but fear of risking being vulnerable and voicing my sexual needs to my partner for fear of rejection. It can be easier to watch a video of pegging than to openly ask a partner if they want to do something a lot of people would reject. Learning to take “no, that’s not my cup of tea” as a boundary of your partner and not a rejection of you personally can help a lot. It’s also important that your partner not shame or degrade you for asking for something they don’t like— she is in their rights to say no, but she shouldn’t insult you or express disgust of you personally as that is not respectful and loving, and is a reflection on a need for couple’s therapy and making sure BOTH partners are respected equally, and not shamed or degraded. A lot of healing porn addiction for many people is about healing the fear of being vulnerable and having emotional and physical intimacy with someone they fear losing if they are being 100% themselves. This may or may not be the root cause for you, but all of these possibilities are worth reflecting on.