I need help!

Hi, I am Ali. I am a 2nd year bachelor's student studying chemistry as major. I am creating this post as I think I have reached a point in my life where I don't have any potency to save my life from this lust full curse. This post is going to be lengthy as I am not hiding anything from the members of 7 cups and I will add details so that I could find the best solutions. 

My Problem

I am addicted to Porn and Masturbation. I think porn has ruined my life, my peace. Almost everything, there is not any aspect of life that has not been affected by pornography. 

How it started

Back then, when I was just 6 I found my first pornography on computer where I used to play video games. There were several clips, I can hardly remember them, but it's where it all started. I knew it was wrong but I like it at that time.

My Sexual Abuse

I remember there were a friend of mine and there were no good ppl. His elder brother often calls me as I was child I did not know anything at all, he was the first person who exposed me to genitals, he did wrong things with me, he abused me. At that time, as when someone is exposed to such things, they often exhibit some sort of unusual behaviours. For me I do remember, playing with me genitals in the school bathroom. I did not know what I was doing, but I was doing not knowing what was right and wrong. 

Development of Addiction 

As I begin to thrive, in the 5th grade I got my first ***, randomly touching my genitals. I knew at that time, like I had a wave of thought that I should stop it as soon as possible. But I did not, I keep doing it. I then coupled it with porn. I remember watching late night porn and ***. 

Escalation 

At that point, I realized that my porn patterns were becoming more and more aggressive. Like first I was watching normal porn, then it quickly escalated to Hardcore stuff. Now the hardcore is not making me feel happy anymore.

Dopamine Destruction (lack of Happiness)

I know what is Dopamine, porn ruined my happiness system. I have realized at this point , that after quitting porn my life would be different, it will be all happy. I have to struggle with mood swings all of my life, and I think the major reason is the Porn and Masturbation. As long as I keep doing these things my brain gives me packets of dopamine otherwise it did not do anything at all.

Cortisol Alteration (Stress Addition)

It's a normal thing for me that as I begin to quit these things, my adrenals above my kidneys rapidly producing cortisol. The stress hormone, and there is not dopamine to detox it. As my brain only gets dopamine from Porn and Masturbation or nudity. 

The Big Depression 

In the 11th Grade, the situation becomes extremely scary. It was the time I finally decided to ............ , I was about to eat 20 tablets of Escitalopram. But I did not. Nobody can understand my situation like the way I do. Because I was exposed to nudity at such a young age and my Brain was not processing that things at all. I begin to repress my feelings. I was confuses whether I'm addicted to sex or it is happening naturally to me. I remember all the days I was just motivating me to not to do sex, not to think about it, I was convincing my friends that sex is not good blah blah blah. I remember crying in the washroom after ***. I was like behaving like a mental patient. Just watch porn, *** and this cycle keeps going on.

I shared it to my family

I begin crying in front of my sister and told everything about it, she is like my mom. It did not really helped me. 

My Physical Appearance (The main issue)

I was not ugly at all, porn made me ugly. Masturbation did, not gonna lie. I know sharing these things is not appropriate and it's shame. But I will share, 

1. I'm skinny, masturbation did it. All of energy being wasted there. 
2. I am having hairfall issues, it's just masturbation. 
3. My mental health is not so good, just because of it. 
4. Emotionally, it made me feel that I don't care about me. If I really cared about me I have stopped doing these things a long long time ago. But I did not. 
5. Spiritually, it is breaking my connection with God

Mechanism (My *** Pattern)

Not hiding anything, right after ***, I feel deep shame, guilt, remorse, a wave of depression. After it, I begin planning that I will never *** again. But after a few days, like after a stimulus I begin doing that again. I have repeated this cycle thousands of times. If I ever go more days without doing it I feel really sad and like if my brain is recovering it from me. Synaptic Pruning yk. I want freedom from It. More ever, the most horrifying thing about my addiction Is not. After a few days of quiting porn, I begin spending more times in washrooms. IDK but it happens automatically, I begin touching my genitals, like looking at it, idk why I do this but this part this happens own it own. Like looking in the mirror that my *** is good, and then eventually it leads to relapse. 

My Research on Porn

All across the internet, I have watched a few documentaries regarding the harmful effect of porn on individuals, their love life and the world where we all are living. I have studies books about it. I have Fight the New Drug community, at first it was an eye opening discovery to me but my addiction is so strong that it is not leaving after all that things. 

Longest Streak 

16 days 

My Hope 

I think I can quit porn and I will one day.