Lies, Deceit, Mistresses, Lust, & Addiction

My story is a rather dark one where I am the villain that can't forgive himself to become the hero I want to be, again. My goal is to ultimately forgive myself and admit my mistakes before it's too late because I want to grow. I can't keep living this Jekyll and Hyde lifestyle.

This guilt inside me fuels my addictions, namely alcohol, tobacco, and pornography for release. I come from a family of addiction; I lost my mother a year and a half ago to it. She passed of CRC, complications from intestinal inflammation due to daily consumption of hard liquor. I'm not there yet, but I find myself a couple times a week going through a 12 pints to quell the thoughts in my mind and the past - people I hurt. 

My marriage is failing. It's a two way street, and the failures are both our faults, just different reasons. We're trying to correct them; at least I'm trying to. I grew up in a mess and was dirt poor; my parents did their best and had their demons, but I'm talking about living in pure filth - pets that weren't trained properly & letting things go. I was given a video game, sent to my room, and didn't get much attention with mom and dad, dad more so than her. As a result, I didn't have many friends growing up (or lost them) and just kinda shelled up. Fast forward several years, and they started letting me drink with them when I was 15 as a means to prevent me from going to parties where other kids were known to drink and get in trouble with the law. I'm almost 37 now. I didn't pick smoking back up till just a few years ago; I smoke cigars to relax now, have the money for it. Mom and dad didn't have a great relationship at all; she wound up running around on him several times. Unfortunately, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and I adopted those ways as well. She chose the path of death; I loved her because she was my mom, but I hated her ways. Now I realize I'm on the same path; I want to back out before it's too late.

I grew from that place I was raised in. I now nearly own my home, am very successful in the stock market, and don't have a care in the world about anything money related. My addictions come from my successes, self-inflictions, and traumas, if you wish to call it that; my lust for alcohol, tobacco, power, more money, and women are what's killing my existing marriage. I don't have any biological children; she just has one of her own. I pay for everything - the provider.  She really doesn't do much, other than baby the boy, who's 16 now, work at the school for a few hours a dy, & play on ***. My marriage has never been perfect; I think what I've done has also been reciprocated in secrecy. We've been married nearly 7 years (together for 9), and I've been with 4 different women when the times get tough around here. There is an extreme guilt that comes with it, along with desire/lust. One I had known for nearly 15 years before she moved out west and married one of my best friends. She tried to get me to divorce my wife after being married just over a year. It didn't happen because I was scared and had just gotten a house, wasn't as successful back then as I am now. Now that I look back on it all, I wonder if I just had been better off going. I loved her with all my heart; I still do to this day. She even cheated on my best friend with me while I flew in to Bakersfield. The sex feels exhilerating, but man is it a stain on the soul. I couldn't let go of her because she was special to me; we still talk to this day, just not intimately - as friends.

And it's something I keep doing... this one here is the worst one I'm about to tell you. It's the hardest thing I deal with on a daily basis because of the "what ifs" and the pain I inflicted on who I thought was the real love of my life. Because of the aforementioned with my friends, I follow the local town talk page where my friends live, 2100 miles away. I used to troll their town talk page to amuse my friends, nothing vehement - just clowning around. The admin of the page reached out to my troll account because I kept getting banned and coming back; I had her laughing about my stupid accounts, and we just really hit it off. She caught my eye.. she was so beautiful, ice blue eyes, long blue hair (naturally brunette). We started talking. She was so brilliant, beautiful, and everything I ever wanted. Despite being married and doing nothing about it over the course of about 9 months, I lied to her from the beginning and told her I would get divorced, or in process. I did it because I wanted her love, to take a chance at something new. The truth is I should have been done with this marriage before I stepped into that relationship with her, but I knew time was limited and I didn't want to lose her. I thought I had learned my lesson with the other one that I just would take the plunge and be done with this place (divorced), but something still held me here; my mom dying unexpectedly didn't help either because I did have something in the works. I just knew I'd have to take care of my dad and that this dream of mine was just gonna be ridden out til it wasn't anymore. I still loved my wife too; what was I doing with my life?  So literally this was a strange game of going out west every couple months to be with her in Vegas or Cali; I just said to my wife I was going to see my friends, a half truth. Here's the hardest part of this entire situation... I became close with her son in the times I was there. She wanted me to be part of the family so bad, but I was in a bind with dad since mom died and not pulling the trigger on the divorce, out of fear of asset division. After she called it quits in October of last year, I felt so horrible. I hurt 3 people that day. I hurt my mistress, her son, and myself. I hold that pain every day because I can't forgive myself for what I've done; I deserved this. That's alot of the reason when I do drink, it's excessive. It's in the back of my mind at the worst times it seems. She said we could back off and be friends, and that didn't work either because I never let the idea go that we weren't in a relationship anymore... felt like I drove her away. Then in January, I sent her some airpods for her birthday, got a thank you, and that was the last time I could really talk to her because I came to a realization I'd never be worth her time again and that my lies caused this heartbreak. Whenever I was with her, I was so happy. I loved her so much; she was my person. She'd curl up to me on her couch, kiss me, and let me hold her, completely 180 from my wife. I also used to feel the same way about my wife years ago; I don't know why I still cling on to this day, maybe just some sort of hope that things will go back to the way they used to be. I may have done some nefarious things, but I believe she has too, since I've caught her talking to other men on *** & *** for years. My wife is also addicted to *** now and likes to get attention from others more so than me when she posts her videos, even though I try to redeem myself by being affectionate with her, only to get rejected, which puts me back into the aforementioned situations - trying to find attention myself.

Because anymore, I feel the need for female attention. After writing all this, maybe it stems from not getting it from my mom at a young age. There is just this consistent desire for it. I still talk to multiple women, especially even more so when I've been drinking, which fuels my lust for the aforementioned. My wife's biggest problem the entire time is my drinking because her dad was an abusive alcoholic. It's a cycle that needs to break.

My goals are as follows:

• Stop hurting people romantically, even though most times I'll help them out financially or emotionally. 
• Stop lying about small and major things. 
• Cut down on my drinking or eliminate it; it changes me into a different person. The tobacco doesn't.
• Heal from my past, forgive myself, and forgive others.
• Keep my marriage alive and revive it; if not, heal first then reach out to try and rekindle the other.

I'm fully aware I'm not going to get much love for my decisions/atrocities, but understand through the darkness, I do have a heart of gold under it. I will read any/all feedback and work recommendations in to better work on myself; I thank you all for taking the time to read this.