Sexting and dumb decisions

I was sexting talking to other people for valdation For years I was dealing with a lack confidence and never told anyone. Id just cover it the best way I could. 15 yrs ago I married the beautifulist woman in the world in my eyes. For yrs I thought she was out of my league. Then yrs later i was told i look like a smoker due to my weight. It was said out pain and hurt. But yrs ago my own mom and aunt would tell me im ulgy and dumb . And its all ways stuck with me. Its no excuse for what i did at all. But its part of my story. I always wanted ppl to like me and think that I had this and that just to fit in. I started going online talking to ppl and I was able to who ever I wanted to be. Granted I have whole beautiful wife at home. What i did was so wrong on so many levels. As a man i was suppose to protect my wife and failed at that. Everyday I think about all the pain I have caused. My wife will ask me whats wrong and instead of saying i wish I can take all the bs ive done back i would. My wife has no trust in me . I dont sext anymore i dont talk to other ppl anymore. But i know my past is still there and hauntsme. I can be 100 % right but my past is still an issues. All i want to is prove to my wife she is all I want. Im beyond those old things. I dont even think about it all. Im too old in my opinion to doing those things and dont want to lose my family. As of lately im feeling depressed and feel like my family would better off without me. I know im all over the place but all I want to do is be better..... any advice ?