Struggle with pattern in intimate behaviour that is rooted in early experiences.

When I was younger, I had a confusing experience online that, in hindsight, shaped how I relate to intimacy and trust. Over time, I found myself drawn to certain online environments that echoed that experience and created patterns I now struggle with.

The experience I mentioned involved an adult I encountered through a popular random chat site when I was still playing hide and seek. She encouraged me to engage in explicit behaviour before I fully understood what that meant. I didn’t realize how significant the impact was at the time, but I now see that it deeply affected my views on intimacy.

Over the years, I was exposed to increasingly extreme online content involving themes like humiliation, pain, and power imbalance. These elements became associated with arousal for me.

These patterns are difficult to break. I often feel conflicted or emotionally low afterward, but still find myself returning to them. I'm not currently in a place where I can speak openly with people in my life or with a therapist, so I’m reaching out here instead.

I discovered 7 Cups after speaking with ChatGPT. It helped me realize I might be revisiting past experiences in a way that feels safer, even if it's not helping me move forward. I'm trying to understand this better and take even one small step toward change.

This is my first time posting here, so I appreciate any guidance if I’ve misunderstood where to share something like this.

I'm a male in the 18–24 age range.