Going silent and ADD/ADHD
So.... Ive fondly spoken of a long distance guy friend I have. Ive talked about him before and often in good light. There have been down moments too but things always turn around. Im worried about him.... He's gone quiet on me before and mostly, I know its cause he's struggling with something that's got him knocked. And sometimes that thing that knocks him really hurts him. He's got a very sensitive heart and he really is a kind individual. Hes funny, he's supportive. He's been good for me. But... Every time he goes quiet I think on an event two years ago where... I thought I might lose him to his own depression... He wasn't ok. And I heard it in his voice. I saw it in his face. I felt it. Somehow I just knew.... So I was on him. I was stubborn. I was adamant to ask if he was ok.... I never stayed up til 1 a.M with worry for someone. And a million ppl looked at me as if I was crazy. How can u care about someone who is a million miles away? ...in my heart I felt he needed someone just to be kind. And to be patient. I still feel this. Immensely. I don't wanna keep bothering him with texts left on read and a worry that he's not answering because he's probably overwhelmed w/ something. I know its not on me. I am not to blame for his choice to be Silent. But I also won't let it push me away. Im too stubborn for that. And I care too much. Im a tough girl too. What do I do? And has anyone done this, Just gone completely silent. Especislly being on the spectrum of ADHD.
@FaithfulGeekyGal20 Hi Geeky I am sorry you are going through this with your friend.
As you probably know already people with depression (and other mental health struggles) will often isolate themselves for a number of reasons. I can see your concern based on their prior history with self harm and the fact that you are long distance makes it harder.
I am not sure how often you are messaging him or how long this has been going on and off with him. However, maybe once a week just send a short/supportive message to let him know you are thinking about him, but not too long so it is hard to respond.
Just short things like
"I'm here for you."
"I'm here to listen if you need it."
"Love you ❤️" (maybe more for family than friends unless you have the level of friendship. I tell my friends I love them but I know not everyone can)
He might not answer for some time or leave a lot of messaged unanswered, so for your mental health sake it is good to set realistic expectations. Also make sure to take care of yourself during this time. I know it is probably hard on you as well worrying about him. I am glad you felt comfortable enough to share your feelings and we are here to support you too!
If there is anything you can do to help you with your mental health as well you might need to do that more often (journaling, meditation, coloring books, art, walks in nature, etc).
@tranquilMoon1757 your message really gave me some peace. Right now its been about two weeks since he's gone quiet on me. He does have a history of both anxiety and depression. And as far as self harm goes.... I don't know if he does or not... But suffice to say I know he's been hit hard. And at this point I have chosen to focus on my well being. The fact that hes gone quiet was causing me nightmares about what he might do based on my fears from a few years ago. I do care about him. And last I saw him. He looked exhausted. I have unfollowed his socials, except FB where we usually talk. Some distance may be needed. And I wont lie and say that by this point there isn't some anger in me. But I don't want the relationship to end. And I certainly dont wish Ill for him. I truly love him like in a platonic younger sister way. I do care for him. And I hope... That come the new year. He is ok.
Update: upon seeing a social media post of his this morning. It's confirmed. He fell into a depression spiral again. He says it was for '48 hours' but its been more like two weeks. Im going to kindly text him today. Just telling him to take care of himself. I am angry he didn't come to me. I just wish. For all the times I've said I'm here. I wish. He knew. Im a non judgemental space. That I actually will listen. I wish he were here. So I could grab him by the shoulders, look him in the eyes, and hug him. How I feel about the ghosting and my boundaries on that won't change. But I know why. It frightens the crap outta me. Because I am not gonna give up on him.
Update 2: didnt end up reaching out. I sent some art. Maybe he sees it at some point. But obviously not today. I guess.... This all kinda make sense to me. Im gonna be sad for awhile.
I've been in a similar position several years ago with a close online friend I had. Whenever she'd sink into a depressed mode, she'd disappear off the face of the map without notice or warning. Several months went by and I eventually sent her a message asking if she was okay.
She responded by apologizing and saying it was because she was depressed and that she didn't tell me about it because it makes her feel worse to talk about it when she's in that mode. But after we got talking again, she opened up about what was bothering her, and she said talking to me about it made her feel better. Even though these types of people can acknowledge this in the moment, it can be very hard for them to remember the positives of reaching out when they start spiraling again.
Things went back to normal for some time. We exchanged novel-long messages. We were very close and on the same wavelength. Then one day she was leaving for a trip with her husband somewhere. She told me she'd reply when she got back, and that was the last time I ever heard from her.
She had been struggling with some things in her marriage, so I can speculate as to what happened, but since she had been suicidal in the past (before I knew her), my mind initially went to dark places as to if she was all right. And this time when I reached out after several weeks had gone by with no response, she never responded to me. I think she hit a really dark place and felt too embarrassed to open up about it again, but even more so in a crisis this time. The only reason I know she's still alive is because I was able to track her down online to verify that (not through social media since she had none). Other than that, she basically ghosted me.
I guess I should feel offended by that, but I knew it wasn't personal and that when people get like that, they don't have the energy to give, nor the capacity to ask for help. Or, it becomes extra difficult -- especially if you're not there in person. Heck, even if you are there in person, if a person is boxing you out, it can be extremely hard to get them to open up without making them feel like you're prying. They become trapped within themselves. My brother gets like that when in a crisis mode. I asked him what I can do in the future if he's ever in that mode again (it's rare and based on circumstances). He said he wasn't sure because when he's in that mode, it's rather irrational. He doesn't know what he needs. So you kind of have to do your best.
That being said, I can only imagine what he's going through. And I can imagine what you're going through with all of this. It sucks to be on the receiving end of this when you care deeply for someone, but they don't care enough about themselves to reach out when they need help. It's rough. And unfortunately, we can't stop people from shutting us out if that is what they choose. It's hard enough in person. It's even more challenging to stop it online. I know that's not the answer you want to hear, but it's the truth we all have to accept about our loved ones who get stuck in these dark places.
You have every right to feel frustrated, but try to give him grace when you can. He probably feels badly about it. I know my friend felt like a terrible friend for it and said there was no excuse. She had a very harsh inner critic which I tried to soothe. But at the end of the day, you cannot be the only kind voice they hear. They have to learn how to develop a kinder inner voice for themselves too. The best we can do is keep them in our thoughts and prayers and keep the dialogue going if that's still open. It's so kind of you to send him art and thoughtful messages. He's very lucky to have someone like you. Just please take the time to care for yourself as well. It's important, as has already been said.
@HermitHealer you're 100% right. As of the 23rd, we've spoken briefly. I gave him digital art of his dog as a Christmas gift and he was happy with it. I could feel it in our brief conversation. I told him to treat himself to some unhealthy food and to take care of himself. Because he deserved it. We didn't speak on him basically going quiet on me. But knowing our patterns of communication I think we will at one point talk about it. But not now. I definitely have a word for our relationship. Our friendship, at least on my end. Is one built on a patient love. One that absolutely is built on grace. I took a chance, crafting the art of his pet for him. I was angry. I wanted to tell him how I felt. Instead I breathed and went. Im going to create some art. If this is it. I want to give him something to smile at. If this is it for us. If he didn't respond. At least I gave him something to smile about. And it was that thought that reminded me. He's needed patience since the start of our friendship. He's needed grace. Hes not done everything perfect with me. But he's been honest and truthful. And he's a good guy. So I chose to purge the hurt. In favor of grace. I think he's doing ok, but I won't know till after the holidays probably. But while that was terrifying on my end. I do care about it. I Care about myself too. He means more to me than he knows. Our relationship is complicated. But its one I couldn't imagine being without.
And I won't lie and say that ppl don't understand why I could care about a man who is a million miles away from me. Probably have mentioned this in the previous post. But I know they don't get it. Sometimes neither do i. But whatever the reason My guy friend was placed in my life. And I don't believe in coincidence. I believe there's reason for everything. Including meeting him. In the way that we did. When we did. And how. No one Will ever fully understand. Not even me. But I do my best to be kind and be patient with him. Even when its not easy. He's not an easy man to love. And I mean that in the platonic. But he needs it too. I've got ways to give myself the love I need right now. But I think he needs it more than he might admit.
Update 4: if there are any further replies, I will appreciate them all. At this point him and I have have had brief conversations, nothing too in-depth or long or about why, on the 11th of December he went dark on me communication wise. Though I know why. We haven't spoken on it and its fine. What I'm glad about for now is that he seems alright. He seems to be doing his best. And I'm glad I didn't burn the bridge. Or jump the gun with heated words. Being in this friendship the last three years isn't easy. Im grateful to know I'm supported here. I love him. Very much. And i'll continue to say I love him in the platonic. And I always will. Loving someone patiently as I've so learned in this relationship is not a simple task. But when times are good and we've had a lot. I like making him smile. and I like making him laugh. I enjoy The creative conversations we have. He has a lot of wonderful qualities. Im not giving up on him. So thank you for the support. Its important. More than anyone who replied, knew.
