I'm so tired of this
I'm tired of the rumination, I'm tired of the understimulation, I'm tired of seeking that stimulation through unhealthy coping mechanisms kike limerence and NSFW content, I'm tired of not being able to sleep because my mind is always thinking, I'm tired of existing with this disease in my brain
Everybody gives me kind words, and I appreciate it, and it helps, but it only provides temporary relief. Part of me worries that the more I age, the worse this will get, and I may even consider more "permanent solutions"
I don't wanna be this anymore, I try SO HARD, to push through every day, but it's agonizing, my brain hurts so much. I just wanna rip this thing out, why can't I just rip it out of me. Living like this is mental torture
@calmLunch9427 I'm new to 7cups but your story resonated with me. I got diagnosed with ADHD when I was 16 because I was failing all my classes and couldn't focus. Even though I'm only in my early 20s, it feels like a long time since then. That is to say, you don't have to be anything you don't want to be, but sometimes it feels a little uncomfortable along the way. For me, medication, DBT, and a good therapist made all the difference in the world, but it's been a long journey since that diagnosis.
One thing that will never work though is pretending your brain doesn't work a certain way. I don't mean this in any negative mentality, but not just acceptance but learning about how your brain works is so important in moving forward. You can try a million things and never make any progress if you're having a hard time seeing the path forward, but sometimes when you learn a little more about what's wrong, the clearer it becomes on how to make it right. You don't have to be defined by your mental illness, but you do unfortunately have to live with it, and that I know feels kinda worse, but you're not alone.
My best advice I can give you is to continue reaching out and don't give up, but if something isn't working for you, don't try to make it fit. Everyone will have their opinion on which treatment option is the best and what works and what doesn't, but none of that matters as long as what you go with is safe and healthy and works for you! I hope all of the best for you and that your journey sees as much growth as mine has; I'm rooting for you!
As a side note, I don't know if you're dealing with dual diagnoses, but if you are I want to say you are also not alone in that and support is available. While it makes things a bit cloudy and hard to sort out sometimes, there is always a way forward, you just might have to think outside the box a little bit more.
@diligentDay2610 Just to share a coping mechanism that works for me if you're in the need for ideas, I'm a chemist and I think very scientifically, so a lot of coping mechanisms feel wishy washy and unstructured for me. To solve this, I set up a journal like a lab notebook, table of contents and all. I also go on drives at night to see the city lights and breathe in the night air, and many other things but if you want to hear more I'll wait for you to ask 😊
I have been looking into getting therapy the past like week. I finally feel like I may be able to get it, and I already feel a bit more optimistic about the future
I'm hoping that by going through with this one step, and keeping up with a few other steps I've made recently, that I can grow a lot more. I'm already pretty self aware when it comes to my issues, I just feel like I've needed a bit of guidance in how I go further. And definitely some medication and other forms of help
Maybe I can properly know my brain and my thoughts, instead of treating them like my enemy
@calmLunch9427 you definitely sound like you're in a good place to make progress! One step at a time is how I do things, and I wish you all the motivation in maintaining anything you try! I definitely encourage you to not think of your brain as the enemy, but that will probably take time.
I go to weekly therapy and honestly, I can't function well without a good therapist, and I hope you're able to find someone that helps you just as much! Self-awareness is both your friend and your enemy (speaking from personal experience), so use it to guide you, but also remember to be in the moment, not just in your head.
I try my best to live in the moment, I think a big problem of mine is that I just don't have much to do, so "living in the moment" is kinda boring
I have figured out recently that ADHD can get really bad when it's understimulated, and I think that's a part of what's causing me so much stress lately, and turning to negative coping mechanisms, because my brain is just desperate for stimulation. I have been trying to get out more, try to hang out with people, and while it does make me much more anxious, I know that things are never really as bad as my brain makes them out to be
@calmLunch9427 I can relate with that pretty hard, understimulation is a big problem with me because I often have a lack of motivation or interest in doing things from depression, but I contantly feel the need to do something with my ADHD, and then the anxiety kicks in if I'm trying to do something new.
I found out that I can get just as much out of doing things at my apartment (crocheting, setting up a movie night, reading, gardening), really jut anything that sounds good at the moment. I also tend to stray away from things that cause an excess amount of anxiety, so if I'm trying something new, I'll break it down before I do it and then take a friend along if I can. Sometimes even just talking to a friend beforehand is enough to ease the anxiety enough! I don't know if any of that will work for you, but there are definitely more options!
I also love getting out on a hike, even when I'm feeling lazy. Forcing myself on a hike always brightens my day, but I know that's not for everyone!
@calmLunch9427
I wasn't diagnosed until I was entering my third year of college. I did horribly in school, even though I absorbed the material during the first week or two of each semester. I simply did not have the patience to do the assignments or even pay attention while in class. I failed practically every class until at age 15, I dropped out. After a while, I went to night school and finished up with a GED. 20 years later, I went to college and graduated with honors. However, because I was diagnosed when entering my junior year, the last two years were far easier and more pleasant.
One theory I have about ADHD is that we are far more likely to think through imagery rather than "inner dialogue." It's often said, "a picture is worth a thousand words." So, if your thoughts are a sequence of pictures, is it any wonder that our skin crawls when we try to pace ourselves at the relatively glacial rate of more neuro- typical peers? I'm retired now, but when I was working, I attended far too many meetings, including board meetings. It was all I could do to avoid screaming and running from the room.
For me, things did not get worse as I got older. Instead, I got better at coping. For much of my life, along with working, I also had side businesses. That helped my mind to focus. I've also been reading 2 to 5 books a week for decades. In the past 15 or so years, I've also learned relaxation techniques and meditation.
Metaphorically speaking, what you are describing with your brain reminds me of being in a vehicle with a very powerful engine, operating with a wide open throttle, but it's geared in such a way that progress is frustratingly slow. In other words, it sounds like your brain is up to far greater challenges, and the lack of them is hard to endure. So yes, mental torture sounds about right.
What methods have you used to cope so far?
It's hard to call it coping, but I usually just try to distract myself from my thoughts, but it's hard to not think about something when it feels like you're always thinking so fast and thinking about multiple things at once
I have admittedly turned to some Delta 9 gummies my mom had, got high and it actually felt nice not to be anxious, but it was also my first time being high, so it just felt weird and unnerving to me. My mind was pretty clear the next day. I know self medication like that isn't the best way to go tho, but I felt a bit better
But more healthy coping mechanisms have been music, shows I like, video games, stuff like that, or just sitting outside
I do think that's a fairly apt description of my brain. Sometimes I do feel calm and collected, but other times, it's like I have a thousand thoughts running in a second, and it gets really overwhelming and stresses me out
@calmLunch9427
It just occurred to me that an ADHD mind is like a puppy, and needs something to chew on at times. I've heard it said, multitasking is a myth, and I actually believe it, but for a long time, I've been able to work on one thing while daydreaming or thinking deeply about something different. When I was a kid, one of my jobs was auto body repair. Sometimes I'd do 2 or 3 vehicles, and my boss would ask me what I'd done, and I had to struggle to remember. That part of my brain was on autopilot while I daydreamed about something else. So I wonder, is the AD part of ADHD truly a deficit if the brain is able to split functions like that? It's more a case of part of the mind maintaining attention while another part doesn't.
I got into the habit of leaving the hoods slightly raised, so when asked, I could look down the line of vehicles and point out the ones I'd finished. It was a dealership, so there were no invoices or tags used to identify them (back in the 60's).