My love/hate relationship with ADHD

I was reading through everyone's struggles earlier and I wanted to speak a bit about my own experience. This is largely a vent post with TW: Depression & Self-Hatred since I will also be addressing my experiences with that.

I am one of the people with a late diagnosis. I had to fight tooth and nail to get said diagnosis.

Ever since my tweens, I knew I was different. I was outcasted by my peers and made fun of constantly. I was too loud, I said the wrong things without thinking and every time an authority scolded me for something I would immediately turn red and couldn't hold back my tears.

My parents would scream at me a lot as a child and I would try my best to be good and please them. I just wanted to be a good child. I'm now in my 20s and I still deal with my innate desire to people please. I feel like a bad child, guilty that I'm draining my parents' resources without producing enough results.

My teenage years were ***. I developed anxiety and major depressive disorder that I am still medicated for today. At 18 I was dragged to a mental hospital and had to sign to not let them take me away in that miserable building. I'm so grateful I had that freedom but terrified at how easily it could be taken from me.

I always knew something was very wrong with me but it took me years of research to find what it was. The internet's growing awareness of neurodivergency led me to research ADHD with the encouragement of my then partner who had autism and saw signs of neurodivergency in me.

It clicked then. Why I always felt like a loud, obnoxious outcast, constantly lost in my brain and often crying over textbooks because I just couldn't get myself to focus enough to memorize what I had to.

Why I was such a gifted student who never had to study until things actually got hard and I couldn't do anything anymore. Why mathematics was so confusing to me because I couldn't concentrate in the linear thinking required and would forget where I was and just go around in circles, all while making what my teachers called mistakes of carelessness.

Why I always said something wrong without knowing it was wrong to say it and getting shouted at for it. Why I genuinely didn't understand what my parents were trying to communicate to me/needed from me and why I had to always pretend to be someone else in social situations.

And finally, why gender confused me so much and why I feel like I genuinely can't adhere to the binary because it makes me feel trapped and uncomfortable and wrong and makes absolutely no sense to me.

There's more, like the devastating executive dysfunction that often keeps me doomscrolling when I'm stressed and I cannot transition tasks for the life of me. How I always need a youtube video to be playing so I can get up and brush my teeth and shower because otherwise it's impossible and how I experience burnout and meltdowns that are absolutely devastating and can last weeks if not months.

I hate this. I have suffered my whole life and had to fight for an answer and do all the research myself. And still, people dare doubt me.

It's very important for me to state that in my case, the internet resources on ADHD saved me. I would still be thinking that I am just a horrible person (thoughts I still struggle with today, the imposter syndrome never goes away). This is why I advocate for safe spaces. I understand this "adhd trend" is concerning to people and I believe it might have a lot to do with the rise of technology and the attention draining algorithms of social media, but it is too early to know what the effects of this are.

But I want to make clear that self diagnosis, as long as it is followed by professional diagnosis when the person can afford it, is a valid option. I was self diagnosed for a couple of years, until I could afford a professional. I felt guilty for it, I definitely worried I was a poser, or seeking attention. I was often guilted by family that I am faking my depression and my adhd and that it's all in my head.

But now, for the first time in almost a decade, I feel somewhat okay. I hate myself a lot less. I know that my struggles are not laziness, but a genuine disorder.

However, coming back to the title. Having ADHD saved me. It allowed me to forgive myself for things that were never my fault and showed me ways to tackle my problems. Still, I despise it. It gave me mental illnesses that make life so difficult and painful, combined with what is already a (hidden) disability. I also quite possibly have autism/or an autism adjacent disorder whose name I forget, but for me it is much less intense and the symptoms are few, which is why here I am focusing on the ADHD.

I am truly suffering. And it is because of my disorders and my disability. And even then, nothing I do is ever enough and I cannot catch up to my neurotypical/more highly functioning peers.

Sorry that this is a messy post, I tried to make as much sense as possible. I am struggling a lot lately and needed to say something. If you read this far, I am so grateful that you took the time to read this.

I just want everyone to know that they are not alone. I see a lot of us struggling with the same/similar things. I also want myself to know that I am not alone, so if you struggle with similar things like I do, or someone you care for does, it would mean a lot if you left a little reply here for me to come back to.

Much love,

Ai