Everything kind of fell apart at once

Trigger Warning:

Hi, I’m relatively new to this platform. This is actually my first post ever in something like this. I don’t even know if this is the right channel to post, and quite frankly I don’t know where to start. I’m just writing as I go on whatever goes through my mind, so please bear with me, or don’t.

I’m writing this in a messy bathroom after lighting six cigarettes, on a dimly lit laptop, in a messy apartment countries away from my family. My mental health has been steadily declining, if I’m being honest.

I’m not really a social person to begin with. I’m not outgoing, and I sometimes feel like I lack social cues or just don’t fit naturally into interactions.

Right now, I’m a graduating college student handling two internships at the same time, one hybrid and one remote. Taking the second one was partly my fault. I think my ego got in the way and I overestimated what I could handle. Now I’m overwhelmed with tasks, working on projects I’m not even sure I’m qualified for. Deadlines keep piling up. I didn’t communicate as well as I should have during standups, and now asking questions this late into development feels weird to me. I feel anxious, overwhelmed, and sometimes just stuck in regret over how I got here.

I don’t want to disappoint my employers or my team, so I’m stuck in this state where I’m constantly anxious but still trying to push through.

On top of that, I had to reprocess some of the documents required for my graduation. For some reason, they don’t have records of documents I already submitted during my freshman year. It is what it is, but it still feels like unnecessary stress. It’s going to take time to fix, and I have to deal with it while handling everything else.

And then something happened that I don’t even fully know how to process.

Trigger warning for this part.

While I was working, my dad facetimed me. He was intoxicated and trying to hang himself on the call because he thought my mom was allegedly having an affair. That was the first thing I saw when I answered. I don’t even know how to describe what that felt like. Powerless, helpless, desperate. All I could do was try to get him to stop through a screen.

That scene kept replaying in my head for days. It still does sometimes, but less now. Thankfully, some relatives got there in time and stopped him.

After that, I didn’t know how to continue my day. I still had internship deliverables due that same day, and I still had to show up the next day like everything was normal. I know this isn’t my companies’ fault. I’m just trying to vent about how frustrating everything feels. Life feels ironic sometimes. You get opportunities, but they come with their own weight.

I wanted to go home and be with my family, but I couldn’t. I know family should come first, but I still yet to book a flight, I probably had an idea what to do but overwhelmed with the tradeoffs which disarmed me. So I just kept working. It feels like I’m on autopilot, doing things without direction, just hoping that eventually things will feel manageable again.

I don’t even know why I decided to write this. Maybe I just needed to vent, or maybe I’m looking for a different perspective.

I had a thought earlier that felt strangely comforting and messed up at the same time. As long as you don’t find a good enough reason to end it, you’ll be fine. It’s like saying life is okay until it isn’t.

It made me think that maybe the only constant in life is this cycle of trying to stay stable while dealing with suffering. It feels like a sick joke sometimes. Call it edgy, or stupid but why are we even here in the first place? I don’t want to live just to suffer while trying to find some hypothetical reason to keep going, especially when it feels like there might not even be a point.

This is definitely not a unique experience, cause one thing we probably share is living complicated lives, and somehow we still have to go to work tomorrow.

Sorry for the ramble.