I Just Want A Break

This is a rant, because why not. 

I may have made the mistake of trusting my parents and got a little too comfortable around them. I was sitting down with my sister and we were talking about school and stuff. She was talking about how she wanted to go to this Ivy league school and all I said was that I wanted to give myself a year to breathe and figure things out. A gap year if you will, and that's when my dad decided to enter the conversation. He sat down next to us and was like what do you mean? Since I am about to finish high school and I didn't want to go from school to college right away and he looked offended. 

For context my parents from my understanding of what they've shown me over the years is they have certain conditions for their children to follow and nothing else matters. With my mother is our appearance. As long as we always wear what she wants us to wear and follow the way she wants us to she will support us. God forbid we refuse and the comments won't stop. "You look tacky." "That makes you look fat." "That's so revealing." "Why are you covering so much?" "I'm just trying to look out for you." "I'm your mother, blah blah." She becomes either aggressive and says we're being disobedient and ungrateful or she becomes very emotional and cries about how we're treating her like she's a bad mother. Either way, everyone in the house just decided it's not worth fighting with her and kind of just goes along with her shenanigans.

Now, our dad doesn't really agree with my mom and think we should be able express ourselves as we want. However, he is very accomplishment minded so to speak. He cares a lot about school and extra-curricular activities. Nothing else is more important than school and he always says how much he cares about our mental health and I think that's why it hurt so much. A couple of weeks ago I explained to him the amount of stress I was under in the house and he was like we're going to make changes and things will get better, but the instant I mentioned a break he completely rejected the idea. He was like why do you need a break for a whole year? What are you going to do in that year? What work are you going to be doing? You can't just do nothing of a whole year. Just go to college and have breaks during the winter and summer. I sat there just looking at him and honestly my mind was too tired to filter myself. I said I needed a year for myself, to breathe and figure out what I want. That I have been working for 18 years and that all I asked was for one year to myself. He clearly didn't like what I said and said I should be more mature and respectful.

It felt like I was just stabbed in the back, because of all the people I figured would understand I needed that break it would be him. After all, this isn't the first time he pushed me to do something I did not have the mental capacity to do. Almost a year ago, I was in school and doing these extra credit classes while being the practical parent of the whole family and my dad wanted me to attend this program. I said no, because I was already stressed and overwhelmed as it was but he insisted and insisted. Said that I could drop out any time if I wanted to, but he really wanted me to try for the program. So, I enrolled in this program and the stress piled on and I started having panic attacks almost daily, my body would be trembling throughout the day, I couldn't focus on anything. I asked to stop but he said I was fine and that I should just "power through it". So, I did. The breaking point was when I was going up the stairs in this program's building and my whole body just locked up. I couldn't move, it felt like I was going pass out, and I could not breathe. My throat just closed and after almost two minutes it eased up and I literally gasped for breath. After that, my parents took me to the doctor and he said I was stressed out and told me to relax and get rid of whatever was stressing me out. Then, and only then did my dad say I could drop the program. 

So, he knows I am stressed out. He knows how much I do around the house. He knows that the family dynamic is toxic and all of the responsibility majority of the time falls on my shoulders. He knows my history with suicidal thoughts and tendencies, and yet somehow he can't see or understand why I would want a break. A year is too long he said, like what do you mean? 18 years is too long being a parent not only to him, but to my mother and my siblings. While he goes on all these business trips around the world I'm sitting with my mother being her emotional support, making her dinner, comforting her, and being by her side. All he does is come home, gets mom's good side and receives all the love and attention. When he leaves I'm stuck with all the mean, ugly, and toxic parts and somehow he finds it in himself to be like you don't need a break. 

The funniest thing about my parents is that they always seem to have this thing about demanding respect. They want all this power and want us to practically kiss their feet while they don't do anything. My mother is above doing chores around the house. She doesn't clean anything because that's what children are for. It's our job to take care of the house, and she refuses to admit she's neglectful and God forbid you mention or point out toxicity in her presence. My dad is more likely to admit his mistakes but your feelings will not matter if you stray from the path he sees for you. If you even put on foot off the path he will sweet talk you and offer almost anything to get you back on his path. He'll smile and laugh but it's not funny, he will fight you all day every day until you see his point of view and accept it. 

This was longer than expected, but yeah. I am just really disappointed and sad. Now, I'm just trying to see if I can maybe get a job and make some money for myself. Will it help, I have no clue but if I don't busy myself with something I may just lose my mind.