Anxiety that I can never avoid.

I honestly don't know if I *technically* have anxiety or not. I'm also not sure if it matters because functionally it's the same with a *fun* little twist. I have severe "time blindness" (which is fairly common in ADHD).

In order to function in a time oriented world this means far to many alarms going off far to often.

I am always so nervous every night that somehow my alarm won't go off so nervous every weekday morning that I'll forget something critical or be late or screw up in some other way.

I also have Dyspraxia/Developmental Coordination Disorder -so dropping things, knocking things over, spilling, breaking things, mysteriously losing steps in physical sequences. I even deal with messed up messages that can *feel* exactly like a panic attack but are actually a scrambled message because my disability means messages about physical sequences just get messed up sometimes.

I can find myself physically unable to continue a task because my brain is telling me I need to do something really really important first (such as put down the box first and open the door then go back and pick it up - but instead it just freezes me in the prior doorway and hits me with such overwhelming fear that I actually wondered if I'd randomly acquired a agoraphobia - nope just not allowed to pass the threshold with my arms full.)

On top of that I have to be so careful not to make important. mistakes because screwing up some sequences can be really really big problems - for example open garage door before reversing um through it - I've never managed to do that but there have been some other scary ones.

It's like my whole life is constant nearly overwhelming anxiety which is just awful.

On top of that - I have a lot of childhood trauma which is connected to this - C-PTSD level and of course the world and my very existance are filled with triggers.

I am a perpetual screw up with trauma triggered by (among other things) making mistakes and constant reinforcement from society that I am not allowed to make mistakes and should always be stressed because you know the stuff I struggle massively with is supposed to be easy and just normal adulting.

it hurts and its so so hard.

I get bombarded by so many sources of anxiety, need to be anxious to function, and get hit by extra all the time. And then when anything extra happens it's so easy to go from functional anxiety to complete overwhelm.

So do I have anxiety? When I can get away from all the triggers and stress of trying to function in a world I just don't belong in, when I don't have to worry about clocks and time and people judging me - I'm relaxed, able to go with the flow.

I hate it but I have no good answers other then going to live on the island of no clocks ;)