Avoiding stress causes procrastination..which leads to more stress
I’m supposed to be preparing for a career-defining exam, but I just can’t find the will to do it. Some call it laziness, but I will do any task unrelated to the exam to the fullest of my abilities. Do you need me to clean the house? I can do that. Help plan a wedding? No problem, I think it’s fun. I will volunteer at charity organizations and events, I will go to the gym, and I will do outdoor activities and art projects…but I won’t study…I don’t know if this is burnout, but I think it’s pretty close.
I’ve been an A-B student, honor roll, and dean's list until I got to graduate school. I became the bottom. I was held back, but I still graduated. Now that it’s done, I feel like I regret doing it all. My friends try to remind me that all the things I was able to finish are still amazing achievements. But I just see a piece of paper in a frame, not a diploma validating any work I may have done.
I feel like a dumb-smart person, if that makes sense. Smart enough to get into this level of academics but not smart enough to keep going. I’m smart enough to know what I’m doing wrong but not smart enough to correct it.
I had to grow up fast and do things on my own growing up. Right now, I wish I could hold someone’s hand through all this. But that’s not life. Now is the time that no one is going to hold my hand through it. I have to do it myself. Alone…but with a crowd watching me. A crowd consisting of peers, previous classmates, possible competition, and especially family.
I feel guilty for putting this on here because I see so many people dealing with actual trauma or serious reasons for their anxiety. I’m fortunate that my school was paid for. Graduate school would be expensive, but I went abroad, where tuition was cheaper. I’m so fortunate and blessed…but I can’t help feeling awful. I apologize for taking away some attention from those in a bad place and having anxiety about issues that actually have to do with surviving this world. Some frequently remind me that I have no reason to have anxiety.
If you did read this. Thank you so much for your time. It means a lot to me
Side note: I was able to see a psychiatrist while abroad. I was treated for panic disorder. I'm starting to think I might have general anxiety, but I’m still looking for therapy that's covered by medicare
tell me about it. i like to skip school to avoid stress and then the work piles up. I really relate to what you said about being dumb-smart, i’m exactly the same way. schools been relatively easy for me, besides my AP’s but i have such little motivation i ended up, as one example, literally putting an entire quarters worth of calculus off until the last two weeks of school. Genius move, ik, but i pulled it off and that’s why i keep doing stuff like it.
About how you mentioned feeling that you take space away from people with ‘real trauma’ or whatever exactly you said, don’t worry about it. As someone who has so much trauma i’m afraid to unload it all at once or people with think i’m making it up, i’m telling you just reading your message helped me. i’m sure you’ll help many others on here as well. Your post is very well written btw, and i wish you the best!
