Feeling stuck
Hi everyone, I’m new here.
For a long time, I’ve been struggling with family-related pressure. My father is a strict, traditional man who believes in control, rules, and sacrifice. There’s very little space for “feelings” or “freedom” in his world. And growing up in that atmosphere, I always felt like I had to earn love by being useful or obedient.
I love my mother deeply. She’s older now and I help take care of her, along with my sibling who has a disability. But in the background, there’s always this feeling that my life doesn’t fully belong to me. That if I choose my own path, I might disappoint everyone.
And yet… I have dreams. Big ones. I want to study abroad, start my career in tech. But every time I try to move forward, I feel torn between duty and desire. Sometimes I feel like I’m not living for myself. Like I’m stuck between being a part of this family and being a person.
I’m not here for a miracle fix. I just need to feel understood. If anyone else has ever had to choose between loyalty to family and loyalty to yourself, I’d love to hear your story..
@anonyLunch8916
There really does seem to be a lot of families in which freedom feels constrained, and children are burdened with expectations and feelings of obligation. I think it's a great thing to be "useful" within the family, but I believe members need to reach a level of autonomy in which they pursue that usefulness out of fidelity and dedication, rather than simply feeling that they need to be obedient. A very common part of traditional families is that members feel as though they need to earn love, based on how useful or obedient they are. I would like to think that there is a dimension of unconditional love within those families as well.
Unfortunately, it's all too common that due to those traditional expectations, family members are looked upon as meeting those expectations as simply being their job, and because of that, there's little reason to express appreciation for what they do.
Something to keep in mind, is that regardless of traditional expectations or concepts of family loyalty, it remains 100% to your credit that you care for your family as you do, and it's always 100% your decision to do so. Therefore, you are entitled to 100% appreciation.
Although it may not seem like it, your life really is 100% your own. I don't think it's fair to live 100% of it for someone else.
This is kind of a metaphorical analogy, but what if you stayed close to home, ignored your dreams, and worked whatever job is available in your area, and earned a relatively low income? In contrast, what if you pursued your dreams, and because of it, earned a much higher income, enough to help out the family? In the long run, which choice would be most beneficial for both you and your family?
I understand caregiving, both as a nurse, and having cared for my grandma with dementia. Eventually, it comes to a point where you can't do it alone, and ideally more than one family member shares the work. I wonder if there is a way to negotiate with other family members, so you can spend time away to pursue your education, then return to provide a larger role in caring for your mom and sibling.