Hard Rumination
I have deep issues with rumination that I can't stop. When something trigger me I think about it every day absolutely all day for weeks and when I can finally stop something trigger me again. Recently I distanced my self from friends I really loved and rumination is killing me. Its part of my fault because when I feel left out I leave but another girl kinda tried to exclude me but doesn't want to admit it/see it that way. (For exemple she used to say that if i came to parties with them she would not come and then i wasnt invited but for her she was just saying her opinion even though it resulted in me not being invited)I have been ruminating about what happened for the last month trying to understand where that went wrong what should I have done, analysing every things that were said to me and reassuring me on what this girl has done wrong. Some people understand me some dont and the fact that some dont makes me question every thing. I'm stuck in the same thoughts every day trying to find an answer that soothes me without success. Even homeworks can't distract me
I feel like it comes from the desire to be right about this issue but also pain from distancing from these friends. In the past I used to ruminate very little things. (For exemple the time i kissed 2 guys at a party or trying to find the perfect answer to explain why schools were wrong about crop top lol) Acknowledging rumination doesn't help me,knowing that I can't change the past either. Sometimes I think deep down I want to ruminate because I need to find the answer (or to self-sabotage maybe) I'm becoming crazy please help
@67Flo76
You're not going crazy. What you’re feeling is very real, very painful, and honestly you're not alone in this. The depth of your rumination, the constant replaying of events, the aching need to understand or “get it right” that’s coming from a place inside you that’s deeply wounded and just wants peace. When connections we care about start to fall apart, especially in confusing or unfair ways, it can shake us to our core. Of course you're still thinking about it. Of course you're trying to make sense of it. You’re not weak for that you’re human.
It makes so much sense that you’re stuck in this cycle. When something triggers you, it’s not just the surface issue you’re reacting to it’s everything underneath, all the past times you felt excluded or misunderstood or like your feelings were dismissed. And that girl’s behavior? It was hurtful. Saying “if you come, I won’t” is more than just an opinion it’s an exclusion masked as neutrality, and it’s okay that it hurt. It’s okay that you're struggling with how to hold that reality while others try to minimize it.
The desire to be “right” isn’t shallow either it’s the part of you that’s fighting for validation, fighting to say “What I felt was real. What I experienced mattered.” And it did You’re trying so hard to give yourself that closure others aren’t giving you, and that’s exhausting. The more your brain spins trying to protect you, the more it actually holds you hostage.
Here’s something gentle to consider:
you don’t need to have the perfect answer to move forward. You don’t need to fully understand why they did what they did in order to heal. Closure doesn't always come from knowing it comes from choosing to believe that your pain was valid, your boundaries mattered, and your love was real, even if others couldn’t honor it.
You’re not broken. You’re someone who feels deeply, who loves deeply, and who just wants to be seen and safe. That’s beautiful, even if it hurts right now. It will get lighter, I promise. Not overnight, but with time, compassion, and tiny steps forward even if one day all you do is breathe through the storm without solving it.
And if it helps at all: I believe you. I see you. And what you're going through matters.
Thank you so much for your response it just made me cry. Its especially hard because I know I played a part in it event though when I wanted to make efforts the history with the girl happened.
I try to reassure me thinking they didn't really cared about me enough so I didn't lose anything(a lot didn't step up for my birthday)
There is that girl that don't understand me but she actually made efforts for my birthday for exemple but ignored my messages where I asked why nobody did anything to stop the girl and just told me to get over the issue. This made me want to stop making effort for the friendship but I feel like im just bitter because I wasn't understood by her. I also feel like she doesn't have the entirety of the drama and there is some misunderstanding as she told me I know more than her about it but she also told me that i was progressively excluded for parties so I really don't understand I she knew or not. I also feels like it's self sabotage again but I'm hurt by her behaviour
But again thank you for your response I will read it whenever I'm ruminating thank you very much
