If im not number 1 then im nothing

I've struggled my entire life with my positions and placements in anything. Biggest one is that if im not first chair in band or if I didn't get into an honor band then immediately I begin to panic. My brain is wired in a way where if im not first then I dont deserve anything good in life. Even second it bottom for me. I overwork myself, I had started making habits of different physical stress responses. I destroy myself and work myself to the bone. Im constantly stressed out and anxious but also exhausted. My sleep has gotten worse and worse. Im trying to end this loop I have but trying to find a way out is nearly almost impossible for me. I dont know what to do. I don't know whats gonna happen if I dont stop this.