I'm struggling with myself

I'm struggling with friendships and feeling unsure about where I stand with people. I care about my friends, but lately I haven't had much social energy. Sometimes I want to talk to them, and other times I just want to be left alone. I worry that being quiet will make people think I don't care, even though that's not what I mean.

I also struggle with anxiety around people. Sometimes I wake up already feeling nervous about seeing my classmates. I can look at someone and want to talk, but then I hesitate, look away, and start thinking about whether I should approach them. Communication feels much harder when I'm anxious.

Past experiences have made friendships feel complicated for me. I can become worried that something is wrong, that someone is upset with me, or that I've made a mistake. I sometimes overthink interactions and try to figure out what other people are feeling without actually knowing.

I'm learning how to set boundaries. I don't want to hurt or reject my friends, but I also don't want jokes or interactions to go beyond what I'm comfortable with. I'm learning that having boundaries doesn't mean I hate someone.

I'm struggling to find the balance between connection and solitude. I want genuine friendships and I really want to have a close best friend someday, but I don't want to force myself to socialize when I have no energy. I want friendships where I can be myself, have boundaries, and still feel accepted.

I'm also under pressure about school and my future. I care about my grades and achievements, and I'm excited but nervous about SHS and possibly aiming for SMAN 3 Bandung. I want to succeed, but sometimes I put pressure on myself and become scared that I won't be good enough.

Overall, I think I'm trying to heal while still figuring out who I am. I'm learning my personality, my boundaries, my values, and how I want to interact with people. I don't want to rush that process. I want to become better, but I also need to accept that I can't fix everything at once.