Insecurity
I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 months now and I have deeply rooted insecurities in betrayal, not just from past relationships but even friends to family from a very young age. I expect it. I expect people to be unkind to me. It makes me so anxious that the people closest to you have the most power to hurt you. I also have bpd and cptsd. And the more I fall in love with him everyday the more I feel the pure fear. We have a small maturity gap. He is younger than me and sometimes I feel like I deal with conflict better than he does, it’s hard feeling like I don’t get the support I need that I can give in even harder moments on the flip side. He truly is a blessing. I’ve never felt so cared for and loved in my whole life. While also feeling like im fighting a war in my heart and my head. I have no safe space no friends no outlet. I internalize everything and I’m trying really hard to heal and not push these feelings onto him and end up losing him anyways but also give myself grace because this is like over 20 years of I indealt with trauma. I am actively rewriring my brain chemistry and actively trying to become a better partner and person everyday. We ended up having a disagreement his morning because of insecurities and although we dealt with it better than in the past i also don’t want it to be a pattern and I also don’t want to lose him because of it. He brought up he feels I mention my ex a lot and he doesn’t want to be compared to him but he is nothing like him. I never try to compare them I don’t know how to get him to understand that even though I’m mid 20s a 6 year relationship is along time and my most formative years on top of childhood trauma, I just have a lot to unpack and work though. Any advice?
@adventurousMango3752
This is a very complicated situation. Of course, I could advise you to spend some time alone, apart, to sort out your thoughts, but that’s probably not an option for you. So I want to say that it’s important for you to find a balance—and for both of you, in general. On the one hand, you shouldn’t break up just because you’ve had an argument or something like that. That’s almost normal in your situation. What matters is what conclusions you draw and whether you understand each other. Because a lot of things might go unsaid. And that’s the biggest fear—they build up and then explode all at once.
On the other hand, I also don’t see the point in ignoring your fears, insecurities, and related issues. This is no joke, and it’s not something that can be easily fixed—especially if you have a partner who’s going through the same thing. Don’t ignore it. Give yourself the chance to be heard. Believe in yourself. Value yourself and your body. Sometimes it’s more important to give yourself time and put yourself first. Even if that might upset your partner in some way.