I think I'm going crazy.

I just had this big realization I really want to write out. Maybe it might help someone else who knows.

CW!! Explicit description of anxiety episodes/ hallucinations

I always joke about going insane.

"Haha! My anxiety and depression are so weird I'm gonna go crazy. I'm insane bla bla bla."

But that got me thinking. What is insanity to me? Not being able to distinguish reality from delusion.

I've been coping with humor for such a long, awful time and I just now realized the 'I'm going crazy' jokes are part of the problem.

I'm so scared of losing myself to what I'm afraid of.

Sometimes I'm in bed and I just want to l sleep. I want to sleep but suddenly I know someone is coming to get me. Something is crawling up the stairs right now coming to hurt me in ways I can't even imagine. Someone is right behind me tho my bed is literally a loft bed. Someone is watching me.

Each time I try to tell myself it's not real.

"No one is trying to hurt you it's your anxiety you KNOW this.

But they want you to think that! They want you to convince yourself it's not real so they can attack you!"

And then there's the auditory and other hallucinations. I leave the lights on. I close my eyes god I just want to sleep. Now I'm so scared the creature will run up the ladder to my bed. I can hear it I think I can hear it. I can hear steps. Breathing. God I can feel the presence that's waiting for me to fully put my guard down. I can feel the sheets I try to hide under moving. If I don't turn on the lights I'm done for.

I am in such a terrible state of panic.

How am I supposed to convince myself I'm safe when I feel and hear my worst nightmares being present?

One time I was alone at home for a week and I was so scared I wasn't able to walk around my own house because I was so convinced someone was following me and waiting for me to forget about them so they could come and get me. And that's ridiculous. I couldn't sleep. I sat on my couch for hours with a little weapon till I got tired enough to finally fall asleep.

And all of this sounds insane. I know it does. And I know it's not real.

So what is my conclusion?

I am so so terribly scared of losing myself. I think I can. I try to be as rational as possbile when I fall into delusions like this but everytime I try to calm myself and it works a little I remind myself that the thing that wants to hurt me wants me to feel like this. It wants me to think I'm fine. And then I spiral and I can't free myself from all this rot.

I fear someday it's never gonna stop and I'll b stuck.

(I don't feel like this all of the time, my intenses ¿episodes? happen maybe once a month. But they go on for about one week. I'm not schizophrenic I just have bad anxiety,. Atleast I think I'm not)

Thank you.