I want to stop being a black cat

Hi! I'm a 1st yr nursing student in the Philippines at her 2nd sem rn

Starting off highschool my mum has engraved on my mind that "whatever i do, i'll always fail" bc of my absentminded n forgetful self

So it was a surprise to me that i got accepted to a nursing university bc i didn't rlly expect that cuz i rlly had a hard time doing their entrance exam n 1st phase exam. 1st sem was a breeze but when it came to 2nd sem all the confidence, self-image at school n hardwork that i built for myself all toppled down bc of this "unluckiness" after low score after low score (it's bc after our lectures we'd have a quiz but man... Idk maybe it's my forgetfulness or scatter/birdbrain but it's rlly hard for me to focus leading to low scores, but it rlly is my fault tho idk things just go into my ear n out). Now everybody thinks I'm a *** n the "friends" i gained in uni all mocked me why i didn't study hard, one even said after copying answers from me that they didn't even study that night n got higher scores than me. Nobody wants to be near or even touch me now... So i've been crying alot these days but ofcourse i won't give up! Screw em

Fast forward to now, these past 2 days was our return demonstration i wanted to recover(?) my grades by doing well in our return demo. 1st demo i did well in handwashing!! Scoring 97.22% but when it came to performing our ID, IM, SQ injections where my grades went downhill... Just scoring line of 8s. Actually i sorta have a history w this CI (clinical instructor) she built this image of me that i'm "sleepy girl" bc i kept on yawning n took a short eye rest during one of our breaks in her class

What happened in our return demo for the 3 injections is that i went in there expecting a strict teacher, passing grade, n most importantly of all to have fun n learn!:')) but what ticked our CI about me is whenever i make a mistake i'd say "ok po Ma'am "Noted po!" "I will learn from this mistake po Ma'am!" I thought responding optimistically like when we were defending our research title was the way to go but it only fueled her even more...n led to me having low scores which is fine bc i was fueled to improve/get back the next day!! But when that day came (yesterday) whatever effort i put in that night ofcourse it'll only lead to another failure :>>

:(

just bc of a tiny mistake of mine by asking my client's gender she used up most of my time (we were given 30mins to complete history taking n vital signs taking (temperature, pulse n respiratory rate n bloodpressure) n made me speak in bisaya which i don't know how to do... Shame on me Lol cuz i only speak english n a little bit of filipino even though i'm a filipino (I know the importance of being multilingual bc ofcourse i need to conversate w my clients on the field) but bc of that it resulted to not saying all my lines n couldn't demonstrate the things that was needed to do she mostly gave me 0s n 1s on my checklist which is understandable leading to another downer of a grade :)

Going home i couldn't help but cry till my eyes were red i would stop somewhere to wipe them off so it wouldn't be noticable to ppl passing by. After arriving home, i was trying my best so that my mama couldn't see my eyes but she saw it n the moment she asked me what's wrong the tears just wouldn't stop. My mama said what happened is bc "panay sabat abi ako" translates to "i kept on talking back" there's this social norm in the Philippines or universal that younger people should not talk back to elders bc it would make us appear "boostful" said my mother. The next time (midterms) she said I should just stay quiet n talk when needed. We got into a big argument last night bc when i told her what happened that resulted to me getting 0s n 1s she blamed me and that it's my fault(it is) bc "why couldn't i say my lines n perform it all" well when u have only 10mins left n still stuck at health history taking— instructed by ur CI to just proceed to vital sign taking skipping most of the lines(assessment, planning, sum of implementation, evaluation, documentation) to focus on demonstrating— what could i have done :') now all the surrounding neighbors here has heard my cries— that i'm a failure even our lady dormers downstairs even one of them who would occasionally mock n laugh at my face is def getting a kick out of this i could only do was smile when she came up during our fight n had a joyous conversation w my mother w a mixed of laughter

Until now i'm still crying while typing this. Last night my mama wouldn't let my door close n she's calling me to check up on me as she's at work cuz she's scared i might commit but there's sm beautiful things in life just to end my own life just for something that's going to be a past memory after sum time

I just wanna give thanks n warm hugs to whoever finished reading this n reached until this point. Just wanna say pls Don't live just to Survive pls Thrive. Cry and let it all out as much as you need but at the end of the day pls stand back up— don't give up even if u don't have anybody to be as ur motivator to keep going—do it for urself :)