Stressed

There are lots of things (stressful) happening In my life....and today a trigger took place.....

So there's a guy who approached me indirectly 1 month ago, doing some kdrama kinda stuff, so even though I didn't like him, I still found him cute.....then I wore a tinted glasses, wrote poem on him, told my friends about a cute guy pursuing me........

Over the month I found him less attractive and more like a creep.....but my friends still though that I liked him even after I told them about his creepy behaviors

So today we all were hanging out....and I saw that guy, my friends also saw that guy

And they told how ugly that guy is, how my taste is so bad, they judged me, I felt so bad, one of them even told...I won't even spit on a guy like that but you even wrote poem about him so absurd ......

I don't even like that guy but i feel so bad

I feel like I am big hypocrite .....I tell myself that I have high standards, but I do things opposite of my own values

Problem is that I am have too much self awareness .....each single thing I do wrong....is the stuff I know myself is wrong.....and I hate myself for doing that....but I still do it anyways

I don't know what to do