I have no idea whats going on

Throughout the past few years, I have been having these bouts of panic which cause me to depersonalize my surroundings and get into an existential crisis basically. And in turn gets me into an anxiety loop where I can't eat right because the anxiety is making me nauseous, I sometimes can sleep well, but it's when I wake up and my mind is susceptible to these intrusive and pervading thoughts to the point that I feel like I'm going crazy I begin to freak out and shake relentlessly. It messes with my sense of time as well. I've tried SSRIs before and they always worsened my symptoms and it wasn't until now that I believe I may have an OCD disorder. But with my financial situation I can't afford help which only worsens my anxiety and panic. Although I did sign up for better help, the urgency I feel to get this sorted out doesn't line up with the availability of most of the therapists I've matched with. (We haven't started our first session yet which is why I'm here) The problem I'm having is I don't know what's wrong and I just want this to stop. I not suicidal because I'm pretty sure I also have thanatophobia. I try to take solace in the fact that these things pass with time, I'm able to sleep and eat normally, wake up and worry about something other than my mind being against me. I want to be back in control but I don't know how to get there. I just want to be okay. But the situation somehow finds its way back.