Nothing is working anymore

I'm on medication for depression and my anxiety, but all the things that trigger an anxiety attack have come back in full force.

Checking my GPA and grades, anything to do with money or my bank account, being in photos, looking at current photos of myself, coming home to my family, being away from them for too long... The list goes on and on.

Nothing is helping anymore. I feel more fragile now than ever before. There should be nothing wrong with me. Nothing bad has happened in a year and a half. I should be fine. I should be more than fine. I feel small and broken. I feel like an egg shell. I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me and waiting for me to fail. I feel like I've failed at the starting gate. I feel like I'll never succeed. I feel like I'm going to die here in this tiny hick town all alone because life is cruel like that. I feel like I missed a bunch of opportunities to just off myself on my own terms instead of as a last resort. I feel like I should be dead but I'm too much of a coward to do it. I feel like I'm living for everyone but me. I feel like being myself and doing what I want is the most horrible and selfish thing I can ever do.

I feel like I'm so tired of being everyone's parent and being the one string holding the world from going off a waterfall. I feel so tired. If I have one more anxiety attack this week I think I'm going to just lay down in the tub with a cocktail of pills and black tea and just end it because I cannot handle this anymore.