9 lives, I only wanted 1.

I’m not one to open up, but I am at that point where the spiral comes to drain. Growing up, I had a mom that lives me very much have us at 17, my dad left literally for a stripper. My following step dad my mom left when I was 15, he was a drug dealer in organized crime and got arrested the day after my wedding. Filling I had a step dad that was an alcoholic that turned his life around stopped drinking and smoking to find out he had cancer at the young age of 50 and passed on. 5 years filling this my biological dad passed also and since my wedding day I have not seen my other father. Growing up I was lucky to have my grand parents which I lived next door to. They helped raised me and I was very close to. Unfortunately in the past 5 years both have passed also. (I know I’m playing the violin here but want to give context).as I child teenager I was always referred to an old soul, however I had several concussions and one major car accident that left me with plates in my head that was a miracle I survived . I was also in a few near life experience where I stayed in the water after a kayaking indecent in Canada in the fridges water where someone saw me randomly and saved me. I believe all these situation in my life has created an opportunity. I see things from a different aspect. Fast forward to now I am married with 2 beautiful kids . A good job considering … 2 years ago I was let go from my growing career path which led me to start over. My position was cut after I had left a promising job making well in the 6 figures for an underdog that I wanted to make a difference… well I did , so much that I automated my self out of a job. At home me and my wife has had issues , she was cheating on me , I cannot prove it but did see messages on her phone after I had my doubts. This was awhile ago, however there is no intimacy. 3 years I would say. I was usually always an active person at the gym, running triathlon,CrossFit , but now I cannot do anything and gained 50 pounds and can’t stand my fat ass but to tired to do anything. I recently went for some blood work and now I have to take cholesterol medication and my sugar is at 6.9 and 7 is diabetic. I have been diagnosed in the pass for bi polar, but that was dismissed . I am simply majorly depressed and need help. I started gambling to get that feeling when you win. However blocked myself on everything not to get addictive. I gave up on myself, at work I still shine and corporate office brags me on international calls but it does nothing . I feel like a failure, when I lost my job I had to go bankrupt, I couldn’t put my daughter in her danse group as it was to much as they are both very active. I am not there for them. I lay on a couch every night, weekend. I don’t have the nerves to go to their activities or go out.it ain’t COVID…. Growing up , my friends kept saying I had 9 lives based on my survival rate, today I just want 1. I tried getting help but there is over 6 months wait. I am on medications been now for over 20 years. I know I am very hard on myself , my mind is overactive and small memories that should not bother makes me sad, I think thar saying knock some sense into you, was someone with several hits to the head. My mind changed, the process changed and lastly I changed intellectually as I barely passed high school. My apologies for the length and thank you if you have braved this story. spiral