All I want is to be happy. (A small rant by yours truly)

In short, I let my emotions get the best of me to the point I pushed a lot of people I adore and deeply love, away. I pushed them so far that whenever I get the chance to be with them, I don't know how to act anymore,I get this felling of anxiety that I can't breathe and I get sick to the stomach. This feeling of being "sick" all the time where I just want to hide(I say "sick" because whenever I get really anxious to the point i feel like I'm suffocating, I get this sick feeling in my stomach wanting to throwup and it happens whenever I get anxiety). I don't want to be like this anymore. I made up so many things in my head that I convinced myself that I will never be enough for someone., not even to my friends. They are too good for me, and they are but I miss my old self. I used to be so happy and so lively... Now I avoid bright colors, bright days, bright people all because I convinced myself I don't deserve to live in such a colorful world with bright, lively people. I will never amount to something, and thats whats killing me. I want to be happy again but I just don't know how. I want to stop being afraid to be outside my bubble. I don't want to get sick and anxious everytime I go out. I just want my hands to stop shaking, my heart to beat slower, to breathe calmly and be myself without having to run away from the people I love.