Am I a Bad Person For Standing Up for Myself?
Hi everyone! I'm new to the 7 Cups community and I'm looking for some advice.
I have trouble standing up for myself sometimes because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But recently a friend of mine has been relying on me for emotional support and I think it's really toxic. I get baited into bad mouthing other people to make him feel better and I refuse to do that anymore.
I've tried to tell him that I feel this way but he brushes it off and tells me "I just don't get it." So I kind of told him off today, which like I said, isn't my usual MO. When he responded he seemed taken aback and upset. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but I feel like he's been taking advantage of my kindness, and I had to stick up for myself. Now I'm worried that I did the wrong thing. Am I a bad person for speaking my mind? Is it okay to be blunt when someone behaves this way?
Sorry for the long post. I really appreciate any advice. I just get really anxious about things like this. For what it's worth, I'm really grateful for this thread and this community ❤
Hi @wittyrunaway!
I'm also new to 7cups and I am loving the environment so far :)
For what it's worth, I think it is great you stood up for yourself! It sounds like you are a lovely person that can sometimes be almost too obliging. I used to be this person, too. It took me a long time to learn to say no and when I first did so, I also felt quite terrible about myself.
But what I learned what that it wasn't the act of saying no that made me feel bad, it was how I conveyed that to the other person. I had ultimately reached a point where essentially I just snapped at that person, when really, I could have been more tactful.
Saying no to something or someone that doesn't make you feel good is important to do. It is partially what keeps us from living the happiest life possible. However, you need to decide for the future, what methods you can use to deliver that message so that you can walk away from that conversation and feel like, hey, I've said all that I have wanted to say with a level-head and then walk away with no regrets.
A quote that really helps me "pump myself up" before engaging in that conversation goes like this: A person's success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.
@tinyladybigglasses
Thank you so much for your advice and for the sweet compliments! I think you're right. I let things sit with me until I reach a breaking point sometimes, and snapping at people is never the right answer. I think this was a big step towards learning how to say no, and how to do it without being scared or too aggressive.
It's really nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Thank you so much again for helping me sort out my feelings about this ❤
Hi @wittyrunaway
It is definitely okay to stand up for yourself and also speaking your mind. You should always be able to feel comfortable speaking honestly withith a group of friends --honestly doesn't mean putting it in a negative tone -smiles-
Selfcare should always come first and if you think that your relationship with this friend is toxic definitely don't hold it to yourself. It's great that you're taking a step back and reviewing the situation!
Don't feel too badly, maybe you didn't go about it perfectly but that's fine. As you learn to stand up for yourself more often you'll get better at it. That being said there are going to be some people and some situations where bluntness and sharp honesty are the only things that'll work. That your friend pushed your earlier attempts aside makes me think that he might've needed a jolt to get his attention.
Have you considered telling him about this forum?
@wittyrunaway The only reason why you feel like you let your friend down is because he incoherently reacted negatively towards a perfectly normal and possitive reaction from yourself. Of course you're not a bad person, quite the opposite-seems to me your friend is the one who needs to learn to fende for his morals without putting other people down as compensation for his insecurities. Never be afraid of putting your morals before other people's expectations from you. Hope this helps :)