Anxiety In Loneliness

This is my very first thread ! I'm a little nervous but also excited to be back on 7 cups to share any thoughts or help other people <3

Sometimes it's very hard for me to figure out what my mind is really thinking about . It is a battle for dominance as I am hearing a thought, visualizing a scenefrom my past, singing a song, wondering about the future, and focusing on reading a topic at my fingertips . It's as if I am multi-tasking in my mind, every single day, and it leaves me with crazy headaches and exhaustion . Sleep is needed to drain my brain of these sticky thoughts, scenes, lyrics, conversations, but it's as if it's one day after another; thought after thought until I explode with ideas and theories and questions.

I understand that we all experience the same pains but experience the pain and deal with it in unique ways . My pain involves a loneliness . The thing is that I'm really not that lonely, but my mind is fixed to see myself always alone . It's as if I don't want to be NOT lonely . But why would I want that ? There are so many people that I want to open up to but I have trouble coming forward and stepping out of my comfort zone sometimes . I begin to feel anxious, I go through with it even if I am not fully comfortable, and when all is done I question why the event was so stressful .

I am currently in the process of healing from loss . Could this loss be the very significant event in my life to affect my trust in people ? Is it a long repeated feeling of loss in my life that eventually led me to the mindset that I have today ?

I am a victim of sexual abuse, a victim of verbal abuse, victim of self-harm, suicide, child of a broken and growing family, bullying, loss . I do not want you to feel sorry for me, I am trying to map out what is making me feel evey emotion at once . What is causing me to feel indecisive, resentment, vulnerable . I have been trying to map this out for a while now, some reasons come to me with time . In the end I begin to accept this loneliness that I feel because we all feel lonely in some way . But it's okay