Demotivated and depressed at work

i cant keep doing this anymore.

its just right now, its my boss. i feel uncomfortable and terrified and awkward and ashamed when hes around. i feel guilty all the time even though things at work are just normal. i cant concentrate and focus doing my work tasks when hes around. my mind feels heavy, keeps racing and i feel deeply sad about it but i dont know what to do with it.

hes a passive boss, hes actually just fine, not meticulous, doesnt scold at all, but still i feel scared of him, scared of him to see me mess up at work, my work pace, work strategy, work habits, work analysis, just everything. im scared even though his being casual and civil and normal when hes talking to me.

im only 2 months at work but ive messed up so many times, starting with the basic most important thing, my attendance, early time in, and the worst part is that there are a lot of times that i didnt inform him and im still still terrified to ask him of anything even though we had the talk many times. all the mistakes i made accumulated that what i feel everyday when my boss is around are guilt, shame, and fear. i even think that i wouldnt become regular after this probationary period.

but fudge this is my third job and i still havent learned, its been this way like forever, not being in good terms with my boss, with people in authority. its so scary to communicate with them, be open, and be stupid and vulnerable. its scary.

i know my problem is my mindset, but my mind, my mind is so heavy that i cant distinguish right and wrong anymore, im so busy overthinking so many things that i had done, shouldve done, and should do that i later realize that ive missed the basic small but important things like paying attention as to why my boss says a particular thing, is that an obvious hint, i dont get because im lost. and its scares me, its scares me to keep going because it feels like im not learning, i only keep being lost and scared. im scared to keep going because i might do stupid things just because im scared like not informing my boss that i got to our head office earlier than my supposed time in but instead asked the guard on duty there to write the supposed time in instead the time that i actually got in.

i feel so alone and stupid. i feel like im never gonna be okay that fudge i do wish sometimes, wish and imagine to die, just stop existing at all.