Does anyone else have this problem with conversations?
Hello! I've got this issue that's really got me scared of interacting with people and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar. Please let me know if this is in the right forum/format or if I need to do something with this thread.
So I have a difficult time with social interaction in the first place, and then if I actually get comfortable talking to people I get too comfortable. My inhibitions just sort of vanish, and I feel all floaty and dreamlike and it's like I can do or say anything. I say things that I really shouldn't or I start trying to hold people's hands and stuff. And then afterwards, I "come to my senses" and realize what I've done. Like once, I started going on about how much I hated my job. To my coworkers. At my job. Another time, I was talking to someone online and started telling them all sorts of very personal and inappropriate information. I've also acted very strangely with my roommates and I'm lucky they still tolerate me.
It's really messing me up. I work up the courage to try talking to people again and then I embarrass myself and make them uncomfortable. I have to find a job but my fear of this happening again is holding me back, and I'm scared of meeting new people for the same reason. I've never seen anything describing something like this issue before and I don't know how to deal with it.
@exuberantWest8742
Hi! I read your post and you defined your situation really well to understand. I can see that you are struggling with oversharing. And as you mentioned, you take time to get close to someone or start an interaction but when you do, you tend to overshare. It might be uncommon but I surely have heard of something like this before. So you can rest assure that you aren't alone in this.
It is possible that since you have a difficult time interacting at first, you spend a lot of energy to hold yourself back and only selectively talk to people. But on the inside, I can see that you really love to talk and share, which anyone would do with their friends. It might seem like this is something you are doing wrong or oversharing, but what are the reactions of other people? Did they ever mention about this?
When we are so inhibited by our anxiety, it often happens that when we aren't, we might overshare because we don't know how long we can possibly do that. And you said you get really comfortable. Being with friends is a place we expect to be comfortable and being in a non-judgemental environment. You also mentioned how you feel afterwards. Replaying the conversation and thinking, "I shouldn't have said so much". And the cycle of inhibition and holding back starts again. What makes you regret doing that? Do you fear that people might not interact again because of this? Could it be that you are judging yourself harshly? Please let me know what you think :)
@HealerWithin
Thanks for the reply! I was very emotional when I wrote the original post and your words really helped me think through things. Sorry, this is going to be long and might go into too much detail.
Mostly I regret how weird I act in a super over friendly way. For one, there's the verbal oversharing- the things I'll say can be too much, like that time someone asked me a few questions about being aroace (before I knew I was aroace) and I went wayyyyy too into detail about my sexual preferences. That one still makes me cringe at night. Or I'll express opinions in an inappropriate social setting, do impulsive things, give out personal details on the Internet, share embarrassing personal stories- not even about just me, but also about other people. Suddenly "being cool and interesting and fun to be around" is more important than common sense and like...common decency. It worries me because even though I know about this and go in to every interaction like "please don't do this again," I can't promise myself that I won't.
And then one of the things that I start doing is trying to touch people? Not with creepy intentions, but it's still weird. When I'm feeling friendly, I start feeling like it's ok to hold people's hands, or lean on them, or sit squished up next to them. Because the way my brain wants to express closeness is through physical touch, like trying to transmit the goodwill through my skin. Which is really, really not cool, since people generally don't want to be touched or have someone all up in their personal space, and might even have issues around being touched. It's not helped by the fact that the longer I go without physical touch, the more desperate I get for it, and then the previous sentence starts mattering less and less. Although I sincerely, sincerely hope I won't do it around someone with those issues. But I went to live with my roommates thinking "don't start touching people" and by the end of the year I was constantly trying to hug them and lean on their shoulders.
TLDR (sort of): I say inappropriate things and also act inappropriately, and I'm sure I've hurt people who just haven't said anything to me. Even though I know about it and go into every interaction thinking about it, I don't seem to be able to reliably stop myself from doing it in the moment. I've started trying to avoid people or limit how much I am around them because of that, and for a while I was (unrealistically) trying to figure out a way to live without any human interaction at all. I really don't know how else to deal with it since it seems to be a matter of just not doing it.
Hope this wasn't too heavy. Thanks again for your reply! Sorry it took so long for me to answer- I'm new to the forum and wasn't expecting anyone to reply after the first day.
Hi I happened to see your post and comment, I’m not the person who asked you the question but I feel like if they weren’t alright with it, did they express it on their face? Is the culture very inhibited there? Imo if they were uncomfortable then likely they would be alright communicating that discomfort to you. If they didn’t, you don’t have to worry. I know how it is to be very reserved but the inhibitions start to overflow when there’s a chance to relax. You mentioned being cool to be around and relaxed and I feel like that you caring about the situation and being considerate of people would show through and indeed show you as cool and relaxing to be around, so they likely had a good time. You sound fine to me in the end. Unless they really don’t express that?
@Bluebutterfly117183
Unfortunately, there have been times when I've said things that hurt/embarrassed people and they've told me so. I've also been told by close friends that the touching thing would definitely be super creepy if I weren't a short and harmless looking girl (which means that I really shouldn't be doing it).
@exuberantWest8742
I appreciate that you replied in detail. It helps me understand you better :) Thank you for that.
It seems what you are mostly struggling with is something related to Impulsive behavior, I guess. Sometimes when people have problem controlling their impulses, they might act on their first thought but since they are aware of what they are doing, they end up feeling guilty later. I can only imagine how that must feel. It really seems stressful. And what makes it really a problem is that other people might be able to see our surface behavior but might not know our intentions. 9 times out of 10, some actions are done with innocent intentions but they end up being misread.
You mentioned how you might touch people or hold their hands to feel that physical bond with them. And I agree that we all need it in certain amount. The only problem is that we don't know if the other person is ready for it at that moment. It reminds me of my own life where I do not really initiate touching behavior or really like it but I have friends who do. They might hold my hand at times or give me a hug and although it isn't really something I actively seek or desire, I understand that they do and I don't overthink it. Of course, if it gets too uncomfortable, I move away or express through body language that this is how long I can bear it and now I need space. And they know it now. And no one in our group is offended by it. Maybe your friends don't mind it as much as you think, but yeah, it is a good option to try to keep it in check and you are already trying to do it.
Have you looked into impulsivity before? Some of the things I have read that might help are mindfulness. It is more like through actively practicing mindfulness, we try to create this space between our thoughts and our action. Does it makes sense? For now, it is possible that you think of something and it almost gets executed on reflex. But with mindfulness, we are trying to create a buffer zone to be mindful of it and decide if we want to do it. It is kind of a training our mind and behavior and it is a skill that can be developed.
However, a lot of us can fall down the slippery slope of mistaking mindfulness with judgement. If a lot of our active resources are gone in trying to suppress our behavior and saying, "very bad! don't do it!" in our head, it is most likely going to recoil like a spring, throwing us farther away from our goals. Mindfulness is more about being an active observer. No judgement but observing and then deciding. No suppressing, no fighting, just observing. I think of the analogy of trying to build a tower of paper cards. You try to balance one over the other making different floors, but if it falls, there is no judgement, not breaking the entire tower. Just picking the card and trying again.
And if I am ever trying to work on something like this, I often let my friends or people around me (who i know are going to hang out with me in the future) know, that this is the thing I am dealing with right now, I don't mean to offend anyone because I am having a difficult time having a control over it but I am actively working on it. Well, what it does is save my friends the initial shock and surprise they might get from my behavior. And what surprises me instead that people are a lot more understanding sometimes more than we give them credit for. Referring to my previous situation of my friends trying to physically get close to me, if they hug me and I just stay like a statue without hugging them back, they don't think I am trying to be rude or want them to leave me alone. They understand that I don't do it because I already explained it to them. So they might make a lighthearted comment on it but that is it. They don't hold any grudges.
What do you think of it? Is there something similar you can try? What would be their reaction?
@HealerWithin
Thanks for your advice! I didn't think about looking into impulsivity before, but that seems like a good course of action. I also did not know what mindfulness was- what I'd heard about it had given me the impression that it was a sort of vague inner-peace idea and not an active thing, so I never thought that it could help me. I will be also looking into it.
Because of various things, I have not interacted face to face with people for a while now, so there isn't really anyone to tell. Although I am still very scared about getting close to people offline, I know I have to do it eventually, so I hope that these things will help me prepare even a little bit :)
@exuberantWest8742
I hope it helps. :) You can always browse through listeners here and you can always message me too. :) I hope you get the help and support you need. Take care :)