Down and Desperate Today
My progress has been going pretty well up to now. Now I'm moving on to the next step of getting signed off to go back to work and I'm terrified. One of my prescriptions isn't approved and I'm terrified not to have it in an emergency. It's not my daily pill, but I still use it about once a week. My panic attacks are much more infrequent but I'm still having them. I'm heavy into the worry stage and I still have months if I ever recover.
@BradleyK The frustrating part of working on anxiety and depression is despite the progress we've made, some days are inexplicably harder than others. There are days that the depression feels debilitating or the anxiety is overwhelming. All we can do on those days is remember the strategies we've been working on. Hopefully that will make it easier to combat and recover. It's important to remember that emotions are complicated and these ups and downs are normal. Please be patient with yourself.
I realize it has been a while since you originally posted this so I was just wondering how you are doing now?
@SecretlyMe thank you! ALot better. Down to about 1 panic attack about ever 10 days. I had a complete breakdown 5 months ago. Panic attacks were up to 4 a week at the start. I've been diagnosed with GAD and have been working through learning to integrate it into my life. My psychiatrist says it's chronic and probably permanent. I've also made significant changes in my diet and continue to. I'm learning as much as I can. This is a combination of DNA, life experience, and personality type. The progress has been steady, but still a long way to go. I still avoid a lot of public places. Thank you for checking in on me! Peace!
@BradleyK
I'm glad to hear the process you've made in the last few months. To hear where you are now vs where you were then is a big accomplishment. It's amazing to hear how much you've done to work on yourself. I wish you luck moving forward. Keep us all updated on your progress. We're here to support you through the hard times and to celebrate your victories.
@SecretlyMe thank you! Is there anything I can do for you to return the support?
@BradleyK Simply keep us updated. I have been struggling with a lot of similar problems and I'm at the beginning of my journey (just started counseling last month to work on anxiety and depression). Reading your posts have already helped. I don't feel as bad asking for help on bad days because I can see I'm not the only one that has them and reading the progress you've made in the last few months gives me hope moving forward. 
@SecretlyMe I'm glad I can help. Just take it slow at your pace. I over did it a few times and sent me to bed. It's your journey and you know which path is best for you. Do you have offline support?
@BradleyK I just returned to counseling at the beginning of the year and he has been a great support to me. I also have different people playing different roles of support for me: my advisor knows what's happened and she has given me a lighter work load while I sort this stuff out, my professors are more lenient with deadlines and have provided me extra academic support through office hours so I don't fall behind, my friends are there when I want to vent and my family are all sharing this burden together.
I think I have a lot of offline support but I came to 7 cups because its easier to talk about how I feel when it's anonymous. It's easier when the person I am talking to doesn't see my face or know if I'm crying. When I talk to people within my offline support network, I almost feel obligated to put on a brave face sometimes. Because I can see how much they want me to return to how I was before and I don't want to disappoint them. Does that make sense?
@SecretlyMe absolutely makes sense! My husband has been amazing support through all this. I come here to spare him having to listen to me all the time. It also makes me feel less alone. The hard part is people who've never been through what we are going through don't fully understand. My mother actually asked me to describe a panic attack. Like I want to relive it.
So about me, I'm 48, gay, happily married, we've been together 15 years. So you don't have to worry about me being some creep at the other end.
I'm glad you're getting the support you need!
Peace and light my friend!
Thank you @BradleyK. I'm glad you have someone too when you need it. I don't think that my issue is that I am confiding in people who have never expereinced what I'm experiencing; it's just that no one I know has expereinced everything that I have been feeling all at once before. I had to join so many support groups on 7 cups because no one group (or one person) can completely relate to my situation. It's the same offline, I can go to x for grief support, y for heartbreak, z for academic support, etc. But it's hard to find someone that I can talk about everything. I feel like I need to limit myself to only talk about one of the above with each person because, just like it's overwhelming for me to go through it, it would be overwhelming for me to burden someone else with the heft of everything I am feeling.
@SecretlyMe No, the people who genuinely care about you will never think of it as a burden. There are a number of people who are no longer in my life because I've learned they weren't true.
@BradleyK I'm sorry that you lost people that way. It's the worst when they leave at an emotionally vulnerable time, isn't it? I know in the long run it's good to know what kind of people they are so you can remove them from your life but it still hurts in the moment. My partner of 3 years just left me on New Year's Eve because it was too much for him to deal with. Still trying to process it.
@SecretlyMe I'm sorry to hear about your partner. His issue not yours! You are to take care of yourself right now. Learning how to integrate all parts of your life. Mine is chronic and permanent according to my psychiatrist. Integration is the only option for me, but I'm lucky. I have my Scott, and the amazing support I find here. People like you!
@BradleyK Hearing that from your psychiatrist must have been difficult at first. I hope the work you've done in integrating it into your life has made it easier to deal with. No one has told me that what I am dealing with is chronic but I wouldn't be suprised. I think I was showing symptoms of anxiety even as a small child before I ever heard the word. It has always fluctuated naturally on its own (some days are worse than others) but it wasn't until recently that I sought out help for it. As high as my anxiety has been in the past, I don't think I ever felt this out of control before. Recently I felt like I couldn't reign it in myself or that the anxiety was controlling me rather than the other way around. I think I'm already making some progress with the conselor I started seeing but I think it will take a while before I start feeling in control again. At this point my goal isn't to get rid of my anxiety; I just want to live my life without it controlling me.
And I'm glad you have someone special in your life like Scott to help you through this. I have people offline that are there for me but it doesn't mean I miss my ex any less. It will take time for that wound to heal. As much as I try to forget it so I can focus on myself, he keeps crawling to the front of my mind. I think it's something I need to process in tandem to everything else. I won't get better until I learn to accept it.
Thank you for talking with me. I know I responded originally to help you but it seems as if the tables turned somewhere along the way. I still hope you keep the community updated on how you're doing. I would love to know how you are doing.
@SecretlyMe we're all here to help each other! One tip I've learned is to be in the moment. I've worked very hard to learn this. I'm not very good with it. I'm constantly worrying about the future or thinking how I could have done something different with the past. A few tips that work for me: deep breaths and counting each one slowly to 10. Another once I've done my breathing, I get grounded to this moment. I feel the softness of my cat's coat, or the warmth of sun on my face, or the smell of fresh laundry, anything tactile to bring me back to this moment. The other day we were out sailing and the winds came up pretty strong. I started to worry, but remembered we've been in rougher seas and both confident sailors. Then a seagull flew by and I just focused on the gracefulness of that bird. I came right back to the moment and was able to concentrate on what needed to be done. Again the path and journey are yours! You'll decide what is best for you. I hope peace and light for you!