Feeling pathetic, trying to be brave

*This is very long, I apologize for that I think I just really needed to get this off my chest*

I'm a senior in high school right now and am set to graduate on June 4. That means that I only have one month left of school, two weeks of which I have AP exams so I don't think any of my classes will be doing that much. Up until this week my school has been doing a hybrid learning style, meaning half of the school is online and half is in person on any given day. I was doing the hybrid thing up until December because my anxiety and depression was getting worse from being in school.

I don't really have any friends here anymore, all my friends were senior and graduated last year and my one friend in my grade moved away in February. Even then, I know no one in any of my classes so going in person just meant that I would be sitting in the back of the class while everyone around me talked to their friends, but I was all alone.

Now my school is either you go full in person or you stay home and attend on zoom. I decided to stay on zoom because going in person was making me feel like a loser and worsened my anxiety and depression. However, in many of my classes I am the only one on zoom so now I feel even more like a loser and I think my teachers are angry at me or think that I'm just slacking off. I keep trying to tell myself not to care what others think about me. I know rationally that once I graduate I will never see my teachers again and I'm moving across the country for college so I will most likely never see my classmates again and therefore what they think about me doesn't matter. However, I am still terrified of being thought down on. I'm terrified of teachers thinking that I'm just some slacker kid. I'm terrified of my peers thinking I'm a complete loser.

I know that to prioritize my own mental health I should stay home and believe in myself. That I should say "Screw what they think about me. What matters is that I know I'm doing my best and what is best for me." But it's so difficult. Sometimes I almost give up and just commit to be in person, commit to sitting at the back of the room while everyone else goes and chats with their friends, give in to sitting in the cafeteria skipping lunch because I'm too uncomfortable to eat around them, give in to losing hours of sleep every night worrying about tomorrow.

But honestly, I think I'd rather be alone in my room surrounded by things I like than alone in a class full of people. They might judge me for staying on zoom but they also made an environment that I don't feel comfortable existing in.

Tonight, I hope to email one of my AP teachers. In his class, I'm the only one on zoom, everyone else is in person and he really likes doing group projects during class. He said throughout the year that if your feeling overwhelmed to reach out to him but my anxiety held me back. Even though I was having multiple anxiety attacks a week, I felt like I didn't deserve to use it as an excuse. (My family doesn't really believe in mental illness so I've had this drilled into my head). However, I want to reach out to him to explain why I elected to stay home and hopefully be able to abstain from group projects for the time being since, frankly, my overall mental health has been crumbling this past week or so.

Anyway, I need to stay focused on not caring what others think. When I'm in that class I'm terrified of what they think of me but I keep yelling at myself not to care. I have no idea how people can just be so confident in themselves and not care about others opinions on them.

Desperately trying to hold on and stand up for myself...