First time I share this

I'm an 18 year old guy from Western Europe. I suffer from social anxiety disorder. I have never had a single friend before.

For 16 years, I would rarely see other people after I'd come home from school. During weekends and/or holidays when l was a toddler, I'd often be home alone with my two other siblings, the older of the two had autism. My mother'd either be at work or trying to run errands as my father slept 'til noon. Naturally, my autistic sibling would cause all kinds of trouble during the time we were alone. Pushing us from the stairs in the hall way, screaming, getting angry, punching us, etc. His behaviour made me distrust other children, which soon let to me rarely speaking at all. I'd just walk around the playground in stead of interacting with the other kids. As years passed, I grew more lonely. Whenever someone'd ask me to play with them, sleep over or come to their birthday parties, I'd make up all kinds of stupid asthma-related excuses. As I got older, I began to have even less contact with others. I didn't even look in the general direction of someone's head, just in case they might notice me. As I secluded myself more and more, I began to feel lonelier and lonelier. One day, when I was 15-16 years old, I was assigned a seat next to some kid in class. We talked quite a bit during lessons. Both of us failed maths that year, so both of us had to "drop a level". The kid said he'd go to a different school, while I'd stay. I didn't really care about failing that class, my father just made me do it cause he wanted me to. Turned out the kid ended up staying at our school anyway. The only problem was that he was put in a different group. Over the next 2 years I'd slowly start to hang out more with his friends, but only at school. Never saw any of them past 4pm. I don't think they really liked me all that much, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore as I'll never see them again. The final year of high school, they merged both of our groups and finally I had classes with the kid again. Undoubtedly the best year of my life. Not like anything happened outside of school hours, though. But I felt more at ease during class and no longer would I exchange just a handful of words at most on a daily basis. 2 months ago (61 days as of right now), I graduated from high school. In little over 2 weeks, I'll be going to college. These last 2 months have been the loneliest of my entire life. All I did was burn time watching lame youtube/netflix videos, listening to musc and playing boring video games, as I wait until it's late enough to go to bed. I don't know whether I should be happy this isolation is about to end, or sad I'll have to be outside from 7:30 til 18:00 for 4 days a week. I frankly couldn't care less about the minimal amounts of free time I'll have, as I just end up wasting it anyway. I just wish, I had a friend to talk to right now. For the previous year, I have been talking out loud - more like thinking out loud - just so that I could hear a voice on a regular basis and to keep my voicebox from cracking every time I try to say something. All I can feel right now, is loneliness. I just wish it'd stop. I just hope that for once, I'll be able to make at least 1 friend.

This was the first time, I ever told anyone about this. I feel terrible, feverish, my throat hurts and my just are aching. All just because of this post.