Fixating

I hate that I cant stop fixating on the Aaron Tveit concert at a standing room/general admission venue in June. I feel like Im just going to be on the brink of a panic attack again like I did at the the last standing room only venue I went to. I had to bail on my friend last time to just get out of the crowd and standing in the back by the bar so I could breathe again. It wouldn't be fair to my friend to do that again (at least last time she had other friends there as well to talk to) and it sucks that I cant just let it go.

The reason why I think I'm fixating is because theres totally a way to fix it: upgrades. The venue offers upgrades which would relocate you to exclusive spots in the venue AKA it would allow me to still be there without being in the ONE THOUSAND AND TWENTY FIVE person crowd (thats the venue capcity and since its a sold out show...).

However, for whatever reason the upgrades first come, first serve offered by the staff walking up and down the line of people waiting to get in a half hour before the doors open. Instead of just, you know, selling it as an option beforehand- or you know giving it to me SINCE I ASKED FIRST.

...I just wish…I were normal or even next to normal.

I hate that I cant turn my mind off. I just want to...be able to enjoy things easily.

But I can't, so now I'm going to spend the next 17 days hoping and praying and fixating on all the little details.