Frustrated

I'm in a 10 year marriage with a man that is apathetic, negative, and makes me feel guilty about my disorder. He also ignores me, takes me for granted, is addicted to porn, says our problems are only because of me, and is unwilling to go to therapy (because he's too busy and it's me). He doesn't fight fair (says neg things about me in front of the kids, pushes and pushes, condescending, makes fun of me, laughs at me, doesn't let me talk or respond, brings up old issues, twists things) to where we finally end up in huge fights, in which I finally get verbal and physical with him. Then, he laughs in my face, tells me I'm crazy and abusive, and threatens to take the kids.

I stayed home to take care of the kids (and because anxiety) so I am not able to make a decent wage in my prior career or any new one. Plus, I'm still jealous thinking about him with someone else (although I'd rather be with someone else), so I'm not quite ready to let go, although I understand we are toxic for each other. Also, I'm not sure I would ever find anyone who would be willing to "deal" with my disorder because it touches everything and makes it hard for me to travel and participate in life, in general.

I've been depressed/sleeping a lot. Yesterday, he complained that I wasn't doing anything. I told him I had been depressed. He said he knew. Which made me think...that's f-ed up to not support me through it and just complain, when he apparently knew.

Frustrated.