Frustrated and In My Head... Thoughts? Advice?
I'm 22, and I have always struggled with social anxiety. Although I have made vast improvements in recent years, there is one area in which I am reminded how far I still have left to go. Romance and dating. I still have roadblocks there despite the incredible amount of focus and effort I've put into achieving my own growth. And such has been a source of intense frustration lately.
During my teen years, I had a couple of prolonged crushes. Neither of them became anything more, and that's at least partly to blame on my own behavior. Something deep inside of me was afraid of having them turn into something more. I didn't think I could– and that's probably because I really wasn't ready to– open myself up enough to someone to be able to have a romantic relationship with them. Within the last year and a half or so, my mindset has started to change, however, and I'm feeling more open to dating. I'm 22 now; I don't want to just fantasize anymore.
While my mindset has changed, however, my self-sabotaging behavior has not.
There is a guy at work I am attracted to and interested in just getting to know better and seeing what happens. I'm not afraid of opening myself up to him and the situation, and I am impressed with myself for that. And for awhile I was impressed with the progress I was making with him as well. We were building a rapport, and it felt surprisingly natural to me, and I even felt like with just a little more time something actually could happen between us.
But now... my social anxiety and tendency to overthink has started to kick in again. I don't know exactly what triggered it... maybe the situation just started to matter too much to me... I started wanting too much for it to work out. But now I over-scrutinize every interaction of ours, and I overthink my every move with him. I'm also fully aware of the likelihood that my anxious thoughts will create a self-fulfilling prophecy... but that makes me more anxious, and it's a vicious cycle. I can't act natural around him anymore, and I feel like the rapport has been lost. I would really, really like to get it back, but that requires me to get out of my own head, and I just don't know how to do that.
@OceanDeep0812
Hi Welcome and thanks for posting what is going on for you right now.
Sometimes it can really help just talking though what is troubling us or what we are anxious about.
In the past I have struggled with social anxiety although I have made vast improvements in recent years, and I still have a bit more work to do on romance and dating.
It is good to hear that your mindset has started to change, however, and you are feeling more open to dating.
There is a guy at work I am attracted to and interested in just getting to know better and seeing what happens. I'm not afraid of opening myself up to him and the situation, and I am impressed with myself for that. And for awhile I was impressed with the progress I was making with him as well. We were building a rapport, and it felt surprisingly natural to me, - Given your history that must have felt really good for you if even a little strange as you might not have been in that situation before. Out your comfort zone even?
I dont know but maybe someone in this situation for th efirst time would find it easy to get ahead of themselves things and start thinking about the future and the what ifs, you might call it overthinking
I started wanting too much for it to work out. - would seem to put a lot of pressure on the situation and probably its not surprising that that you over-scrutinize every interaction and overthink every move.
I wonder what would happen if you were able to stay in the moment or present as some peolple call it and enjoy each interaction with him, not for where it might lead but simply in the here and now. I also wonder if you have consiedered to changing your thinking to
I really like whats happening and I dont know what the future holds or where it might lead, but I am excited to see. And even if it leads nowhere I have learnt that I can do this and enjoy the feeling that it gives me, and I am on my way to beating another part of that social anxiety that I used to have.
I hope that this has helped even in a small way. And if you would like to talk more, I am a listener here and would be quite happy for you to send me a message to arrange a chat if you think it would help.
Take Care
paul
@calmPaul281
Thanks for the reply :) You're right, talking about it definitely did help a little I think, so I might keep going a bit if that's okay...
Given your history that must have felt really good for you if even a little strange as you might not have been in that situation before.
It's interesting that you said that, because it made me realize that perhaps some of the problem was feeling like the situation was too good to be true. Basically I've been seeing this guy around work since I started there and have always been interested in him, but only recently have I gotten the opportunity to talk to him more. I didn't expect to get the opportunity and certainly didn't expect that I could actually get along with him. So while our interactions felt natural, in a different way I guess they kind of didn't, as I've had a bit of "imposter syndrome" you could say with regards to them.
You're correct that I'm putting a lot of pressure on the situation. But now that I think about it more, it might not actually be coming from wanting too much for our interactions to lead to a particular thing after all... rather, I think it has more to do with what I just talked about: not wanting the situation to fall apart as I fear and suspect will happen (perhaps already has happened? And is this because of a self-fulfilling prophecy or because I was right that someone like me couldn't actually have a relationship with him?).
And with more thought I've also realized that there have been several times I've overthought (not to the same degree) about relationships devoid of any romantic interest. I think it's something that I start to do in ambiguous situations, when the person and I aren't definitively "friends" but have some type of rapport. I feel uncertain about what the person expects from me and worry that I'm not complying with that (whether that be doing too much or not enough [or somehow both at the same time... anxiety right?]) and therefore driving the person away. Involving romantic interest obviously heightens my stress about these things.
I need to better learn how to deal with undefined relationships (platonic and otherwise), because growing up– I believe– means having more and more of those types of relationships.
@OceanDeep0812
I didn't expect to get the opportunity and certainly didn't expect that I could actually get along with him. Interesting comment, I wonder what thinking led you to those conclusions?
"imposter syndrome" - yeah get why you would feel that with the thoughts you describe as having.
not wanting the situation to fall apart as I fear and suspect will happen - I wonder what you must fel when you read that back, knowing that you were ahead of the situation , trying to control the outcome?
someone like me couldn't actually have a relationship with him - I wonder what you mean by someone like me?
Relationships oon whatever level are about two people seeing if they meet a need in each other, If they do, they tend to hang out, and if they don't , well on to the next one. Yes they can be ambigous, yes these interactions can be uncertain.
I feel uncertain about what the person expects from me and worry that I'm not complying with that - what about what you want from them" What is your need in this relationship?
I need to better learn how to deal with undefined relationships (platonic and otherwise), because growing up– I believe– means having more and more of those types of relationships. - yes I dont think you are wronmg. LIfe is full of opprtunities to meet different people, some we will click with , others we wont. It doesnt matter it is just the way things are. And it doenst matter if we make a mistake whilst figuring it all out, We are after all only human.
Hopw you find somer of this helpful.
TakeCare
paul
@calmPaul281
Interesting comment, I wonder what thinking led you to those conclusions? I didn't think I'd get the opportunity to talk to him because of how big my workplace is and how we just never ended up in proximity to each other until recently. But why I thought I couldn't get along with him... maybe it's kind of an immature view of the world but I guess I feel some sort of imbalance, like a "reacher/settler" dynamic (wherein I'm the reacher haha). And I think typically my anxiety would have hindered me, but somehow– at least for awhile– I was able to interact with him without getting shy or acting weird or anything like that (even though right after I would always think, "Wow, was I really just able to do that?").
But I feel like me thinking that way is probably not a good sign... like if you truly click with someone you're not going to be surprised that you have good interactions with them because it's an obvious thing that you're going to have good interactions with someone you click with. Right?
I wonder what you mean by someone like me? I was referring to what I was mentioning above.
I feel uncertain about what the person expects from me and worry that I'm not complying with that - what about what you want from them" What is your need in this relationship? This usually happens when the person does fulfill my need, but for some reason I just start to feel insecure about whether or not I fulfill theirs. But you're right, I'm going to have to learn to be more okay with making mistakes as I mingle with a lot more people going forward in life.
Thank you for still listening to me ramble about this hahaha