Getting paranoid about being an evil person
I have poor social skills, and I'm not close to anyone. I haven't interacted with friends over quarantine. I'm convinced I'm not meant to be close to people. I can't get close to people. I'm fickle about everything. I'm convinced that people will learn "the true me" and be disgusted or think I'm a bad person. I know I'm not a bad person, but I just get unbelievably bad anxiety. In the past, I just wanted validation and to impress anyone, so I went back and forth on political views and want I thought and liked. I just feel like I can never get close to people, and I'll never make a best friend or anything.
I'm sorry if all these thoughts are vague and don't make sense. It's late at night, and I kept having thoughts about how I'm a bad person obsessively. I'm just lonely and ashamed of who I am and what I used to be. I don't even care if people don't respond or don't know what to say, I just needed to get that out there
@redrubyeyes Hey, it's already a good start that you can recognize that you're not actually a bad person! Keep reminding yourself that and do it in a way that feels true (not just you emotionlessly repeating it over and over).
@redrubyeyes I feel this. I have schizophrenia and one of my delusions is that I'm an evil person. That I hurt ppl and that's the only way I can be. I don't know what to do about it though, other than telling myself I am not. That some ppl actually like me. But it's hard. I feel you!
You're not a bad person and you probably don't have poor social skills. Are you actually a people pleaser, or is that what other people have told you? My friends used to think I would just say and do whatever they wanted to hear or would make them like me. In reality I'm very open-minded and my mind often changes or reinterprets. They also thought I had trouble showing my "true self" lol. In reality I'm very private and like to keep certain things to myself, like anybody else. My friends thought they were somehow entitled to my every thought, secret and desire. I realized they were toxic and use me to affirm their egos. You are not an evil person and most certainly not a manifestation of other people's projections and feelings.