Getting stuff off of my chest.

Hi, hope your day is good, please note this post contains content regarding bullying, disabilities and probably a rant or two about self-loathing and aimlessness.

So, to start I'm a 20 year old male from rural Australia, I was born to a single mother and have two older siblings who left at and prior to me reaching the age of twelve.

I was bullied out of primary school due to wearing glasses, something I had to do because of a degenerative muscle disease which took my left retina when I was four.

As a result of the bullying and my remote living area, I have been alone almost my entire life besides my Mum who has coddled me ever since Primary school.

Early on she realized I was lonely, but had little feasible option to get me some friends and thus did what she could to entertain me - namely with a Nintendo 64 at age eight or so.

Ever since, I've been addicted to games, transitioning to a PC when I was thirteen and basically transitioning to a life online instead of in reality, I quickly found easy sources of satisfaction and companionship.

Home-schooling me during this addiction was impossible, and I had zero academic skill when I was eventually forced into secondary education in 2017 and stayed for three years, obtaining my Year 12 Certificate in 2019.

During and after my school years I felt lost, I have never had any idea what I want to do with my life despite trying many different things, online and off, and this lack of self-love resulted in a few failed relationships and misunderstandings, my teachers and support workers tried to help but my issues seemed to be simply too much for them to handle, not that I blame them at all.

I've always felt 'alien', even to my friends, and in my opinion I hold little to no value in this world - I'm just a leech, really, trying desperately to find companionship and support where I can but otherwise doing nought to remedy my own pointlessness.

I find it exceptionally hard to reach out and talk about this, even this current post is the result of some alcohol use within the last few hours lowering my inhibitions.

Now I'm 20, soon turning 21, never had a job and my only temporary employment has been because of school, I have had options for relationships but either been too scared to proceed with them, ruined them with my own doubts and ignorance, or actively avoided them.

I am not a particularly good person, though I have a kind outlook and strong sense of justice, I have my fair share of bad traits and habits, I'm also not physically attractive or possess any unusually high skill in any field I've ever tried.

What I do possess is an extremely self-loathing mindset that never shuts up despite trying everything in the book to fix it, from journals to goalsetting to punishments to rewards, no process has worked.

I've avoided medication due to my addictive personality (as evident with alcohol) and I don't want to have to rely on it to function normally.

With my life story summarized, and my problems laid bare, I don't really have any questions to ask because most of them I already know the answer to.

I guess I'd like to know some opinions, what do you folks think of me and my circumstances?

If you relate to me, how did you persevere and defeat your inner demons?

Thank you for reading, even if you skimmed, be well.