Going Alone/Invalidated

Hello,

I'm back again. Seems like a post alot.

TL;DR: how do you deal with fighting mental illness alone with your own family invalidating that you even have issues?

I have a family (mainly parents) that refuse to believe that there is or ever was anything wrong with me. I think alot of this has to do with the fact that I was homeschooled. Sometimes, it feels as though I wasn't raised, but rather created, like an experiment or Frankentstein's creature. They wanted to raise me away from a toxic public school environment, make sure that I had the exact same ideals as them, and make sure that I was always "corrected". Usually these "corrections" were in the form of verbal invalidation or what I like to call "steering" which is subtly worded phrases that point out things that you do that they don't like.

Here's an example:

Me: "I like the color of my truck. It looks pretty good, even though black gets dirty way faster. I like wearing black too. I think it just looks nicer."

My mom: "I'm glad you like purple though."

Me: "Um, ok, why?"

My mom: "Because black is such an icky color."

Things like that. It can be agressive, but not usually so. Just alot of put-downs and double-sided complements. And a little gaslighting about things that upset me thrown in. My mental health kinda got thrown under the bus when I was a kid: I had crippling social anxiety from moving to a new area (I had tons of friends before), and I only left the house twice a week on average. One for grocery shopping, and one for church activities, where I was kinda shunned anyway. I'm college aged now, and as highly functioning as possible, but I still have alot of issues.

At any rate, I can't discuss my rapidly deteriorating mental health with them. I get invalidated really hard and laughed at. I think they deny anything because their psyche can't handle it: they did everything right, so therefore, I should have no problems. How could I have problems when they raised me perfectly?

I tried explaining to my mom today that anxiety is not logical. You cannot usually think yourself out of being worried. If that were the case, it would be a mental wellness, not a mental illness. I tried explaining to her that my mind works a bit differently, and that's why sometimes I have problems that she or other people don't.

This earned me lots of mocking. Examples include:

"Just because the internet told you you have a problem doesn't mean you do."

"I know you want to think you have problems, but you don't."

"You're normal, you just want to think you're not."

I calmly told my dad (who had joined in at this point) that he didn't know exactly what went on in my mind.

He scoffed, rolled his eyes, and said "Yeah, I do!"

I find this whole situation to be ridiculous, because my anxiety wasn't just self-diagnosed, and they were witnesses.

I had a panic attack where I nearly hyperventiliated myself into passing out (I didn't know what a panic attack was at the time, so I couldn't help myself). My mom was there with me.

I went to the doctor, got medically checked out, was fine, and diagnosed with Anxiety. My mom was there.

I was on Paxil for a bit. Again, my parents knew this. My mom was there when I got the prescription.

I have severe insomnia: i drink most nights just to go to sleep. (Melatonin and other meds have stopped working for me). They've seen me do this.

Yesterday I had an anxiety attack so bad I couldn't stop rocking back and forth for 2 hours. They witnessed this.

This isn't innocent ignorance anymore. This is a vicious attack in the form of gaslighting and invalidation. Whether out of fear or a God complex, they don't want to admit they might have screwed up a little. Which I get. Parenting is extremely difficult. But it doesn't warrant this.

I have about one friend I talk to regularly, who had a similar upbringing. I feel really alone, like no one cares or my expriences don't matter.

How do you cope with handling mental illness all alone? Especially when your perception of reality is always being dragged through the mud?