Hi? I guess

Hey guys. I'm not really comfortable with sharing my name, but I'm going to go with a made up one. I'm Marcy, I grew up in a country that doesn't give two fucks about mental health. So excuse me if I chose the wrong comunity to talk about my feelings, that'd be so embarassing haha! Also I type fast and English is not my first language so excuse any mistakes please.

Growing up, I was always over-weight, since second grade. I didn't find it really hard to make friends, but after I know new people, I tend to notice I'm left out a lot. I feel abandoned and stuff and it makes me self consious like they don't like me just because I'm fat. It got kinda real when I was in 7th grade, I felt like everyone hated me. Even my family. Although it was 3 years ago, I'm more of mature right now. That time, I would fall from the smallest inconviniece. A small mean joke would make me feel miserable the rest of the day. If I felt abandoned I would just enter a loop of overthinking, and I suck at hiding my feelings so if someone notices, they all just pressure me into saying what's wrong and I break down crying. Happened a lot of times with my friends and family.

Also growing up, and still, I was daddy's girl. He loved me and spoiled me, and during that time I mentioned above, he was really stressed from his new work and was not what I would call nice. That time, put in mind I was 11/12, I developed the thought that I would've been better of dead. I prayed day and night that I'd just die. Before I sleep everyday I'd cry my self to sleep, begging god that he'd just let me die. I know quite dramatic, but I was young. I wasn't used to a lot of stress and I'm a VERY VERY sensitive person, I tend to overthink a lot.

Anyways, no one really knew about how sad I was. I really wanted them to take my sadness seriously, but there was no way they would. I'm just a child, you know. Yet I thought that maybe if I harmed myself, they'd think that I really need help, and finally I'll get the help that I need. It kept ticking in my mind, day and night.

"c'mon just small cuts on your wrists, it won't hurt"

"just do it you'll get the attention and help you want"

And I was really about to when I was standing in the kitchen about to make a small slit across me left wrist, with a fucking cooking knife. But I didn't because I was scared, of how people will just notice that I'm too weak. My family would've been petrified. But that moment didn't really end my sadness.

It kept going on and on, for 3 years, till now.

I'm always afraid I'll be alone. I'm always afraid my friends will always choose each other over me. My family has really high hopes in my grades, because I'm the girl and I constantly let them down. That's beside the fact that I'm over-weight. I always feel judged when I eat infront of them. They never reallt said anything mean, maybe they made comments regarding that I should take care of my health and stop eating a little but it didn't really come out as nice as they intended and it HURTS. I feel left out in my friend group, I'm always fucking paranoid, they tell me they love, that they'll always be there for me but my mind always says what if they hate you? What if they just said that out of pity? They'll always choose anyone above you. No one likes you, no one likes to talk to you and no one wants to be your friend.

I just always end up locked in the bathroom, crying my eyes out and looking in the mirror, Very disgusted of what I see. I just mock every single thing in my body. Not just my body but my personality. I'm easily irritated, I get angry from the smallest things. I get angry and I want to throw hands 100% of the time but I just don't because it goes against my morals. I get so angry from the smallest things and I hate it. I hate it so much.

I don't talk to anyone because I'm scared that they'll be sick of me, bringing negativity into their life. Or they'll think I have a fragilr personality and I'm vulnarable.

I know that is too long and I'm sorry. I'm just 15 and I never felt more hopeless. And no I never self diagnosed myself with any mental illness. I just feel it's stupid and selfish. Sometimes I think I have anxiety but I just think don't be fucking stupid you're 15. The doctor will laugh at your face when he hears your irrelevant problems. I just don't know what to do. It affects my relationships with people and how I work in school.

I just want this to end