Hi. I just joined

Here is my background. 5 years ago I went 600 miles away to take care of my mother who had dementia. I lived in her home with her husband and it was very hard. He was someone abusive at least verbally and somewhat mean. He was the cause of the original anxiety I started experiencing. While I was caring for mom, my only sibling came to live with us. He was diagnosed with oral cancer. My uncle was across the country suffering from ALS and I did my best to help with his situation as well. Mom passed 2 years ago this month. 10 days later my uncle passed. And less then 3 months later my only sibling passed from a blood clot complication due to the cancer. 9 months after that I took care of my senior dog until he was ready to be put down. He kicked my butt. That was in July. So I spent almost 5 years secluded to the home and cut off from most of the world other then FB groups.
Once I had nothing else going on the anxiety and ptsd got way worse. But I didn't realize what was happening. I just knew I was struggling. It was all confused with the grief. I did go to a years worth of grief counseling. I have my support and I am good as far as the grief journey. It is a process.
Life on the other hand has completely changed from anything close to what it was in my past. It feels like I have been dropped into a parallel universe that I just am not quite a part of. I am just here. I have a wonderful and support boyfriend who I live with and has gone from just my boyfriend to my everything person. That is a lot of pressure but I am so thankful for him in my life.
In Sept I began a job search once again. It has been 5 years since I have been employed. I am so eager to get back to work.
But this is when the problem became much more appartent. And I began to have panic attacks every time I left the house. My body and mind not in sync. None of my responses to situations are what I want them to be or what they should be. So during one of the panic attacks I drove myself to the doctor
He started me on paxil and xanax for attacks. I took the paxil for two days. umm you know how it can make some people suicidal? Well I think I am one of those people. No I was not suicidal but I certainly did think I know exactly how it can make someone like that. I was headed down that road. IT was so dark and so scary with residual affects for a week. Absolutely will not be taking that .The first xanax I took I felt so normal and so much like me that it gave me a window into realizing how bad I have been and also has helped me realize the signs of the anxiety. I didn't know before.
Well I don't want to take xanax all the time but starting a new job I needed to not be flipping out at work. I need to maintain and get my life moving forward.
I then decided to go to the Medical Marijuana doctor. I was approved and I started vaping the oils recommended. They are helping so so much. It has allowed me to eat again. I was barley doing that as well. I couldn't. I am a month in the this treatment and the difference has been night and day.
But it isn't gone. I am also seeing a chiropractor and his treatment is helping so so much. so these two things together are making a difference
I can't understand why every single thing I do is such a struggle. Yesterday I saw the chiropractor so I was relatively calm. I had to work last night. It was about time for me to shower and get in that mindset. I check my schedule to see the exact time I go in and discover I am actually off today. REALLY?
Ok cool. Friday off. YAY. But then I sat there extremely upset because why is life such a struggle to get through each day. I can't think, I can't keep a train of thought. It is getting better but I am not there yet. And this episode yesterday totally threw me into a tissy. Life just isn't this hard. I know its not a big deal. Nothing happening. Its fine. But the fact that I try to hard and then fail is beyond me. I used to float though life. I want to float again.

It is constant. Its like my body and mind is out of sync. I can't get them together. I can not relax. I contantly feel like an intruder in a parallel universe. I don't fit anywhere. I self talk postive. I am extremely optimistic and bubbly. But now I feel like I am treading through mud all the time. or that I have something I need to be doing. Or I am overwhelmed by everything. I live in a video game. I am not the video game the world around me is and I am trying desperatly to navigate though it all. The chiropractor is helping and so are the oils but it is far from solved. I used to feel like I had the world by the tail but I sure don't anymore. I just started a new job and I am really hoping that helps pull me out of this. It helps but it is a process for sure. I do this self talk of steps. When the anxiety is too bad. I begin to talk out each of my next steps in detail as I am doing them. Things most people never even put a thought into. I think it is my brains way of attempting to stay on track and not completely loose it. I dunno.

Thanks for having me.