How anxiety destroys trust

So, like probably most of you here, I simply thrive on friendships. Friends make just about everything in your life better, as it seems so distressing to be alone.

However, friendships can also cause a frightening battle within myself, all dealing with one word: Trust.

I have a severe trust issue.

It's not that I'm suspicious of everything someone does or doesn't do, or never give anyone the time of day to get to know me. No, it's that period AFTER I get to know someone. The time after we each say our first 'Goodbye" or "See you later", the moment after I get so excited that I have met someone new who could potentially become my friend.

That's the moment when I tend to freak out. See, I have anxiety and that of course comes with its own problems aside from the struggles involved in friendship making. However, there's also a big reason why I keep doubting myself and the person who I connected with. There's a reoccurring theme in my life of being completely screwed over. I've been stepped on, taken advantage of, stabbed in the back, abandoned, yelled at over stupid petty things, tricked, ALL by people who I thought were my friends. And it just doesn't happen to me. It has happened to everyone in my family.

Mix the negative feelings obtained by those experiences with anxiety, and I have one hell of a problem. I have a really hard time trusting other people, so much so that even if I have the BEST time with a new friend, can tell that they actually enjoy being around me, seem like the most legit person around....when I get back home by myself all of those good feelings drop almost instantly.

My anxiety kicks in and I immediately think things such as:

"What if I never see them again?"

"They told me we can go to [certain place] sometime but what if that never happens?"

"What if they never talk to me again on facebook?"

"Maybe they secretly don't like something I said."

"What if they're faking it?"

And on and on and on. It's something that I'm dealing with right now, in fact. I just met someone who I consider a friend, or someone who could become my friend in the long run, and currently they're off on a trip for a few days, so of course I can't spend any time with them at this point. What does my brain say? He lied. He's not really on a trip. He just said that because perhaps he didn't really like that long walk that you took with him a few days before even though HE was the one who invited you. He doesn't want to hang out with you anymore even though HE posted pictures of your walk together on social media so that all of his friends could see. You can't get too close to him. He'll betray you in the end. You can't imagine us doing cool things together because that will jinx the outcome.

On and on and on. I just can't help myself with these thoughts. And the only way I can possibly get rid of them is to bury feelings altogether. I have to shut down that part of my mind that daydreams, that imagines and hopes. I can't expect or hope for anything, because of that dreadful fear that I would be wrong again. I can't be a normal person , all because of these trust issues.

It's the biggest thing that's holding me back. And one day, it will come around to destroy me if I don't let it go.